Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 5

Yesterday went a little better.  Not AS tempted by the foods and smells around me.  I found myself going to the bathroom a lot ;-) which is good, that means I am cleansing.  It's working.  But it isn't very fun if you are running errands and a bathroom isn't very close!  Hahaha!  I had a head ache toward the later end of the day and found that I had to drink a lot more yesterday to feel full at all.  I was surprisingly very hungry at times.  You'd think by day 5 my system would be a little more used to it, but sadly it isn't.  I still want to eat, I am still craving crap.   Mainly just the way it feels in my mouth for my taste buds.  I don't feel the NEED to eat it, just wanting it.  Praying that would change by the end of this.  It would be so sad to go through all of this just to go back to the way I was eating prior.  I also found that I got dizzy a couple of times, which again, meant I needed to drink more of my drink.  So, that's about it.  Oh, and yea, I was pretty grumpy.  That's never fun.  Especially for the little ones in my life. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Cleanse: Day 3 & 4

Oh my.  This is tough stuff.  Not easy at all.  The last two days, mainly today, have been really hard.  I feel weak today, and a headache.  First time really.  I was a lot busier and running around.  We took the kids to Taco Bell yesterday-we forgot about dinner since we were cleansing.  I know horrible mom.  But oh my word, the smell in the car was about to send me flying straight through the drive through window and find myself eating every burrito that was being prepared, and I don't even like Taco Bell all that much.  Then today, it was the infamous Costco run and you know those terrible Costco Dogs.  Yep, had to get those for my kids too.  And could I just say, I really wanted to eat all three of them!  IKES!  They haven't been eating the best this weekend.  During the first couple days of the cleanse I actually found myself more consciousness than ever about what they were eating.  But that went out the door this last two days as preparing food would be so tempting for me. I went to my mom's tonight after church and she had pizza laying on the counter.  A 5 meat combo that looked and smelled delicious.  OH MY...

Then in my struggle, I am reminded why I am doing this.  God has been so good to me the last couple of days and I don't know what it is about being in a fasted state that makes you feel so much closer or needier of God.  But I have felt a hunger for him that is starting to get deeper and deeper.  I have been so complacent the last few  years of my life and I truly desire from the core of my being that at the end of this cleanse, I would experience true break through in not only my eating habits but in my spiritual life.  I know he created me for so much more than I am doing, but I need to start growing more in him.  That is the sweetness of being without food I guess.  I recognize how much more I need him.  How much closer I long to be to Him.  I am so distracted the majority of the time, and it is only by his grace that I am actually able to do this crazy thing that I am doing. 

It will be day 5 tomorrow.

Today I felt at times ready to quit.  I so badly just wanted a taste of the foods that were around me, staring at me.  It was kind of a discouraging day in that sense.  I felt a lot weaker, tired, and super hungry.  Today I struggled also with a lot of fear.  Here I am cleansing my body, still being tempted with the crappy food that I want so badly to eat, what will happen when I come off of it?  Will I gravitate towards eating or tasting, all the delicious crap foods that I  have been filling my life with?  Or, will I have the strength and DESIRE to eat healthy?  To be a disciplined woman who fights for her health?  My weakness is great, and if I were to quit today, I think I would be in the same boat as before I started and I SO don't want to be there.  So, here's to another 5 days.  I am praying that in those 5 days, God would do a miracle in my heart and help me to see and desire healthy, disciplined living.  And most importantly, renew my love and desire for Jesus, my savior.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Yesterday, Day 2

I made it through day 2.  It was tough.  More physically than anything.  I have been getting this really bad cramping in my lower back.  I keep thinking it is the toxins, waiting to remove themselves from my body, but I am not sure.  I had to sleep on the couch last night to allow my husband sleep.  I was tossing and turning so badly.  I had a bit of a head ache last night.  I am going to try drinking much more water today than I did yesterday and see if that helps me.  I really want to do this, to clean out my system and learn to have a new relationship with food.  My tongue is grossly white.  That is the toxins being released in my body.  A tongue should be pink in color, I am just learning this.  Wow.  It's gross.  They say that as the cleanse progresses and your body becomes cleaner it will go back to a light pink color.  I didn't realize this before.  Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's been kind of a shocker for me.  It's kind of disturbing!! LOL!

I found myself thinking deeply about food yesterday. Hahaha!  It sounds so funny even admitting and saying that, but yes...that is me.  I tell you, I LOVE FOOD!  and it is evident in my thoughts and in my actions.  Wow... Lord help me to dwell on you today. 

"You were taught regarding your previous habit patterns to put off the old person that you were, who is corrupted by deceitful desires, being rejuvenated in the attitude of your mind, and to put on the new person that you are, who is created in God's likeness with righteousness and holiness that come from truth.."

Lord, take away my old thought patterns, my old way of eating and doing things.  The way I run to food rather than you.  You give me desire to crave, to want, to need, to love, but it is only in YOU that those things are fulfilled and I so often fill it with all the wrong things.  I allow the enemy to convince me of other pleasures that appear at the time more satisfying than you.  But it is not truth.  I believe a lie when I think I will find more satisfaction outside of you.  Help me today, that you be my only desire.  Oh, God. I am so sinful.  I need you so much.  Thank you for your grace and mercy.  Forgive me for not having a heart that earnestly seeks you, a heart that is often divided, and for not loving you more.  For caring more about my own satisfactions than remembering daily what you did on the cross for me.  I NEED YOU!  Amen.

They say that Day 3-4 is the toughest days of this whole thing.  I hope to push through it and that this pain in my back would subside. 

Back at it...But first I must cleanse.

(this was written yesterday, but blogspot wasnt' working so I wasn't able to post)

I don't even know where to begin. I try avoiding this place, but know in my heart that when I am here, writing, somehow there is something that happens inside of me in my heart. It's out there. No hiding. I like to hide. So today, a fresh start. But let me begin first by telling you what has been happening the last couple of weeks.... it hasn't been pretty.

I ran a half marathon!!! Yahoo. Well, I did great leading up to that point and it was a huge accomplishment in my life. I never thought I could finish something like that. I was so proud of myself for finishing something I actually started. THEN, I got LAZY. I felt this high, from finishing and hearing all the compliments of how great I looked. I somehow threw in the towel. I stopped fighting the battle and ate like crazy.

Life happened. I hit a few weeks of some storms in my life that I won't bore you with. But, they were storms and where did I run..? Yep, you guessed it FOOD, not the MOST HIGH God who can satisfy all my needs. I am ashamed to admit it. I succeed, I fail, I succeed, I fail. That has been my pattern for so much of the last few years of my life. I am tired of it. I always go so far, then take so many steps back. We had birthday parties, Easter, mother's day, and other things and I just ate whatever I wanted and then stepped on the scale and saw the reality of those choices. Did I also mention that for almost 2 weeks I didn't exercise at all!? How can someone go from following a healthy path of eating and exercising so well, I mean I was training for a half marathon, to just giving up on it all? I don't understand my sinfulness at times.

It was in this process of recognizing that I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I LOVE food, and it often looks to me like I love it almost more that my God and that is so convicting. I can't believe it. But if I look at my habits and patterns, clearly my actions say that that is true. So, I have decided to do something drastic.


For two days I ate mostly just fruit and veggies, green smoothies, Super food Odwalla drink, and then ate a healthy dinner. Then I started and am on day two of actually cleansing my body, drinking a drink that is rather distasteful in an attempt to rid my body of the many toxins and "junk" that I have put into it. I also hope to gain a new outlook on eating and refocus on being healthy. I lost my determination somehow and let me tell you, I ATE CRAP those last couple of weeks. Embarrassing amounts of junk and ridding it of my body is a good thing. I am not sure what other's think of cleansing, this is my first real one. I will still be getting around 1200-1400 calories a day with the drink. I am nervous about it, but I really felt like God was telling me to do it and rid myself of my dependency of the comfort I get from FOOD and learn to become 100% dependant on God. It will be a process. I plan on journaling here everyday during this cleanse, of course time permitting.

Yesterday was tough. It was day one. I didn't have a headache, those happened the two days prior to starting. It has been 3 full days of no refined sugars! I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could feel my insides doing something. It was very strange. I am hoping it doesn't happen tonight. It was difficult cooking dinner for my kids and getting them their afternoon snack. I usually always "snack" on whatever I am preparing and I didn't even allow myself a taste. It was hard, but I will admit I felt a sense of accomplishment by actually withholding the food from my mouth and sticking to cleansing. It was yesterday afternoon when it was the hardest. I had to take my drink in my hand, stood over the kitchen sink and lifted it to Jesus. Thanking him for health, thanking him for his Grace in my life and asking that He would constantly show me how to turn to him first. It overall was an ok day.

How today goes, I will tell you about tomorrow!!!

Teach me Lord how to live this life eating to live not living to eat! Teach me Lord how to turn to you, to find my fulfillment in you alone. Fill my cravings with you, Oh God and on this journey, please be near to me. I want to change, I long for it. I want to be a woman who inspires health and discipline for your glory and praise. Let my life reflect you, Jesus. Amen.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

GREEN TEA and confession time.

I am going to get back into drinking my green tea!  I used to drink it all the time when I was first beginning my diet and exercise routine when I lived overseas.  I would brew it in a large pitcher, then refrigerate it and drink it through the entire day in addition to my water.  I moved back to the states, got lazy again, started my daily latte habit and realized for some reason when I drink coffee, especially lattes' it is harder for me to lose weight.  It's been a few weeks now that I have given up on my need for lattes and coffee and have been drinking green tea, but just not consistently!  I was reminded today at Peak313 Fitness of the benefits of green tea and being that it's week 3's challenge, I think I will start it up again.  Get my metabolism going a little bit more and see if it will help me!

And I need all the help I can get!  I had a very frustrating week.  Probably PMS, but still I felt ravenous in my eating habits.  I was never quite satisfied and craved sugar like there was no tomorrow!  UGH.  It was so frustrating and I feel horrible caving into those weak areas of my life.  I have my group of girls that get together for accountability and I feel like I let them down in someway.  I just didn't care.  I know, it was only one week, but it truly sucked.  I feel like I do a lot of saying, "this week I am getting back on track" so I even hate to let those words come out, but I really feel like that is what I am going to do.  I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate ok overall.  I did cave at a point and had a chocolate chip cookie.  My hope is that today I can be strong enough to not even go after that cookie! 

I don't completely understand this journey.  How to include God into the process of eating.  Seeing it as sinful, for me, to indulge is sinful. I know my heart.  It's complicated though when I eat to eat and I am not feeling a certain way;  stressed, anxious, depressed etc. and still overeat just to eat.  I don't quite get that.  Why do I allow myself to sabotage the efforts that I have put in?  I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and I pray that in this upcoming year that it would change.  I can't rid it from my life, but I pray that I would truly learn to EAT to LIVE not live to eat!  I have so much work to be done in my heart!  It's my battle.  I will be an OVER COMER by the blood of the lamb! 

Jesus, be my strength and be my portion today.  Help me to see my sinfulness, help me to repent and to turn.  I have replaced you so many times in my life with food.  Quicken me today, to help me see those times, those habits and patterns that I have created that are not a benefit to my life.  Show me when I am wrong, show me when I am eating just to eat, convict me when I am not eating something beneficial to my body. And help me to truly crave and desire more of you in my life.  Jesus, I NEED YOU! Nothing else, only YOU!  Fill me today, I pray.  Amen.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Quinoa Challenge

I have been reading this blog called Peak313Fitness.  It seems to be good timing that I clicked on it this morning. I met with a friend yesterday and talked about the discouraged feelings I had because I have kind of hit a wall.  I did this trying to get under 200 lbs.  It seemed to take me forever to break that barrier when I had tried.  I did it, but I really had to change things up a bit.  Now, I am having a really hard time getting out of the 180's.  Another wall. UGH.  But I was talking to her about feeling like I needed to change things up again  and do something different, but I wasn't sure what it was.  She gave me some great ideas, and then I  clicked on Peak313Fitness this morning and feel like I got another great idea from Clare. 

This week she is challenging her readers to start the day off eating Quinoa.  I have been looking for ways to change up what I am doing because I have not lost much weight in weeks and have seemed to hit a plateau.  I really like this idea.  It's packed with protein and good stuff for you.  Hopefully it will be filling and help me get my day off to a full great start.  I like learning new ideas.  I need to mix things up a bit and hopefully this will help.  Click on the link above to get a better idea and more details to the benefits of Quinoa!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Naked Truth

I find myself often WANTING to write.  But then stop myself as if nothing important will come.  I don't know why it is that I fear what people think.  That I won't have more to say.  Something profound.  Something deep.  Keeping myself anonymous.  Maybe one day I will get over this fear.  I pray I do.  I don't understand it completely.  I want to write freely.  Journal.  But, I also don't want it to be revealed how weak I truly am.  How often I truly depend on myself rather than God.  How much I focus on my little world, rather than His world.  It is true, and it is a painful reality.

I have been so challenged lately to be a woman who really knows and lives the word of truth.  Who intimately knows Jesus and loves him and longs for him.  That I would truly be a woman who finds it far more important to be in communion with him rather than focused on the next piece of food that enters my mouth. 

You see, long before the food of choice enters my mouth, it enters my mind.  I have this horrible habit of preparing ahead of time all the unhealthy choices in my head.  I love the taste of food that is not beneficial to my body.  I love the thought of eating it.  OH..the chocolate chip cookies.  It consumes my thoughts, especially if I am trying to avoid it and be healthy for the day.  I will create excuses or reasons in my head why I need to go to certain grocery stores just because I know which ones offer the best bakery cookies I crave.  That is the naked truth.  I will go out of my way to satisfy the food craving. 

I long to do that with the king.   I was challenged deeply with scripture the other day.  I think about food ALL the time.  Whether it is dwelling on what meal to make next for my family, or what I crave, or what I shouldn't be eating, it is always haunting my mind. 

And then i came across this scripture.  Romans 8:5 "For those who live according to the flesh, set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

The word is telling me to set my mind on the things of the Spirit.  I have been living according to the flesh!  Ouch!  I need to get control of my mind and my thoughts and focus them on the truths of scripture and what it says about me.  My weakness is great.  But truly I desire to be a woman of change, a woman of joy, a woman who is after the kings heart, a woman of noble character, a woman who is disciplined and self controlled, a woman with peace and strength, a woman who is Godly in all ways.  Not to bring glory to myself, but to bring glory to the most high-the king of kings!  He has redeemed my life from the pit.  He DIED for me.  He stood in my place.  I want Him to receive the glory and honor that is due!

I am considering going on a cleanse/fast and I am scared out of my mind to do it.  I haven't fasted, truly fasted from anything since I was pregnant with my firstborn.  That's 11 years ago.  But, after this last week I have realized just how utterly dependent upon food that I am for so many areas of my life.  Be it boredom, stress, joy, depression, anxiety, comfort, etc. I run to food.  I am so challenged to learn to run to God. To satisfy my desires with Him.  To crave Him.  And with Easter approaching it seems fitting to get my heart right and learn how to truly depend on Him.  If I CAN'T run to food, what will I be forced to do?  My relationship with food is unhealthy.  It has control over me.  I want to rid myself of it's power and fasting and cleansing myself of all the toxins may begin the next stage of my journey.  I am praying about it.  I wouldn't be doing it to lose weight.  I would be doing it because I realize just how stinking much I think, need, want, crave food more than God and I need to get my heart right.  If I remove it completely, maybe He can grab a hold of my heart just a little more.  Maybe I will learn to depend on God in new ways, maybe the negative relationship I have with food won't have it's hold on my life like it has.  I don't know. I am praying about it.  I am scared about doing it, because I am a grump when I am hungry or don't get what I want.  But, I want God to grab a hold of my heart.  I NEED HIM DESPERATELY! 

Friday, April 1, 2011

It's been a little while since writing.  I am not good at this blog thing and keeping up on it. 

I met with the girls last night.  My accountability group.  The girls who keep me on my toes, who are in this struggle with me and understand it completely.  We get together, do a book study, talk, discuss our weights, etc.  It's really good and refreshing for me meeting with them.  It's a reminder that this is a battle, and not to give up and stop fighting.  I am surely not on a diet, but a spiritual journey.  I was reminded last night that it's a spiritual commitment, not a diet.  A commitment that I want to learn to glorify God in.  It gets hard trying to figure it out at times.  I mean, glorifying God in WHAT WE EAT?  Seriously?  YES! For, someone like me who has turned to food all her life as a means to comfort, entertain, ease, has always been about running to the comfort that food brings rather than running to the throne of Grace and true comfort.  All I can say is I am learning.  It is definitely a journey, and I fail almost every day in some way or another.  But, I long to be more like Jesus, and if it means that he is doing some refining and awakening in my soul to get me there, I will go through this process to learn, to be humble, and to grow more in Him.

I am running a half marathon on Sunday!!!  It's my first one ever.  I am excited, nervous, anxious, and if I think about it too hard I literally get an upset tummy!  I have been training for it though. I know I am prepared as much as I can be, and it will be ok.  It's a HUGE accomplishment for me.  Just a few months ago it killed me to run 6 miles.  So the fact that I am and can do twice that much is so exciting for me.  When I was even in my best shape of my life in high school, I couldn't run that far! 

I haven't been keeping track of the number on the scale.  I took a break from it.  I get so upset or excited all based on what the number is and it was just too consuming.  I plan on weighing again after my big run!

Well, that is the latest in my world.  Still in this, still in this fight, still wresting thoughts and temptations to eat non nourishing foods, daily.  Some days are great, other days I give in.  I am pushing through.  Not giving up and still hoping to be at my goal weight by the end of July!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thursday's Thoughts

Today I reflect on my week.

I want to eat so much.  So much junk.  I crave chocolate, brownies, cookies, ice cream, all that is sweet and satisfying.

I get caught in the battle and don't know how to keep moving forward.  How to be hungry?  How to deprive?  How to make good choices?  How to crave healthy choices?  Ultimately how to allow God to fill me more?

I have worked out hard this week.  A feeling of accomplishment around me in that area, but then I look down, when seated, and see the huge roll hanging over my pants.  Is it worth all this work?  To not see the pounds dropping?  Friends around me, in the same struggle, dropping sizes, pounds, inches..and me, well there just doesn't seem to be the same results.

What needs to change?  Will this weight EVER come off?  Will I ever be at my goal weight of 155?  Is that even possible for someone like me?

It's so hard today.  To not get caught up in discouragement.  After all, I did a kick butt workout this morning with Bob and Jillian on DVD and should be feeling great!  I was sweating hard.  It was dripping off my body.  I ate a great healthy breakfast and lunch.  Why still plagued with discouragement?  I don't always understand it.  I don't get it.  I really don't.  I need to.

What I need to understand is that this process needs to be more about who I am in Christ rather than who I am in clothes, or no clothes and a certain size.  But, it's so consuming.  Thinking that way.  Trying to learn to focus this journey about Christ -well it isn't always very easy. 

I do believe one day I will be at my goal weight.  But, it will be when I stop trying to please myself and stop trying to get approval from those around me.  You know, all the "wow, you look so great! What have you been doing?" comments.  Yea, I seem to value those a little more than I value the way my father looks at me.  I know, pretty shallow.  But for me, I do believe that one day, when I get my focus right, my pride gone, and in the power of the cross, then it will click and it will happen.

Such is the journey.  A journey means: process of development: a gradual passing from one state to another regarded as more advanced, e.g. from innocence to mature awareness.  I need to get to that mature awareness.  It is coming.

I am excited to start my book study, MADE TO CRAVE.  I am excited to get rooted in the word, to be challenged with the way I think.  To begin to look at this journey through the eyes of Jesus and what He  thinks rather than my own opinions, desires, struggles, and joys.  I want to glorify Him! I know she will have a lot of tools in her book to help me and to set my focus on the right things.

But, as of today, I have to admit discouragement is following me.  I need to recognize and learn to be thankful for the so many blessings I have in my life.  Lord, Help me to focus on the thousand tiny little blessings in my life and let my discouragement be replaced with joy!  For I do have so much to be grateful for and this journey is not complete.  I am in process, I am working hard, and I am not giving up!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Feeling Guilty

Yes.  It feels horrible, but I do feel guilty about the food choices of yesterday and the day before.  No self control and really if I am brutally honest, not even a desire to make the right choices.  Just a "who cares" attitude.  It's so wrong.  And the scale will prove it.  I don't even want to write what I weighed this morning, but I guess I should just to face it.  189.  I don't get it really.  It is not like I have been eating bad all week. I have even been working out, but for some reason that stupid scale keeps going up.

My confession is that yesterday, despite the voices in my head and heart telling me, rather shouting to me, NO...I wanted chocolate chip cookies.  I drove to the store, bought some veggies that I would need the rest of the week, wandered over to the bakery and yes, grabbed two large chocolate chip cookies and downed them on the way home.  Yes, I loved the taste, but the feeling afterward-so not worth it.  Really sucks.  The really bad thing is that the whole time I knew it was wrong.  I knew that the Lord didn't want me to do it, but in that moment I really didn't care.  That was my attitude.  Such sinfulness in my heart that I would willingly turn away from God in the moment of temptation. 

I can say it was a bit of a wake up call.  A reality check that I still have not arrived and that I am still so very tempted to indulge in the stuff that I crave more at times than I crave God.    Not a good place to be.  Feeling discouraged, a bit depressed, but when I get done writing this, I will be hitting the treadmill and starting over.  Today is a new day.  My eating choices need to change, the amount I consume needs to change, but ultimately my heart and the voices in my head need to change.  I need to be consumed with truth, with the word of God, with his thoughts towards me. 

Slowly, very slowly I am getting it.  I have far to go.  But it is happening. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

I have been at the computer for a bit this morning catching up on all of my favorite blogs.  I want to make mine look nice and be more.  I waste too much time though.  I still need to exercise, go to the store, get my mom a valentine, and yet here I am at the computer. 

I had an ok week.  To be honest it was tiring.  My motivation for exercising has lessened even though I am still running. I think I go in phases.  I know that once I get out there and do something I will feel better, but just doing it takes way more effort that it used to ( two weeks ago) haha!  It's good to write because then I can see for myself how up and down I am. I can see patterns that plague me.  Yea, I must be pmsing...I feelthis way about once a month.  I need to remind myself of that today.  I may not feel like doing what I know I need to do, I just need to do it without thinking about it.  Does that make sense? OK, glad.

Eating wasn't so great.  My man and I went out on Saturday night, and  I overstuffed myself with food that night.  Then the next morning we had some company over and had a huge breakfast.  I started out making good choices then my mid afternoon I just gave in.  I really need to grow in this area.  I want to be a woman who is disciplined.  That values her life and what goes into her body.  Not just what I think tastes good and satisfying.  Usually, it just leaves me feeling miserable. 

Well, it's a new week.  I weighed in this morning at 187.2.  I am going to try really hard this week to see that number go down to at least 185.  I don't want to set myself up for failure, but man, I really would like to be in the low 180's for once.  I get stuck and have been stuck for weeks now.  That means something in my eating needs to changed.  I HATE change.  I want to eat what I want when I want and I don't want to feel hungry at all.  However, the reality is, that if I don't I will only continue to see results that leave me feeling like a failure.  It takes work.  HARD WORK!  I don't like it.  But, I need it. 

Lord, I pray that you would help me today to make good choices for me.  That you would pour out your grace upon my life and show me your mercy.  Give me the tools I need to make choices that glorify you.  I want to live my life for you, to love you more than I love the comforts of food.  It is not an easy one to break, running to food for all sorts of things.  My idol.  I pray you'd help it to come crushing down, that you would convict me when I choose something else over you and that in the process you'd draw my heart closer and closer to yours. amen.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Saturday Confession

I stood at a small little shop yesterday as my kids got to pick out a little treat. 

I paced up and down the candy bar isle...grabbing this one, and that on and reading the nutrition on the back. 

I love peanut butter and chocolate together and there is a new peanut butter snickers that I have been dying to try.  I grabbed it, certain that I was going to get it, after all I hadn't had a candy bar in a long time.  Then I read the nutrition, 250 cals for two little scares of delight.  Worth it or not? 

I prayed, Lord please take this craving away. 

I set it down and then looked at the York patties and a few others.  I wish I could say I was strong enough that I didn't buy anything.  But, I did make a better choice.  I bought a dark chocolate bar and ate only two scares from it.  After all, dark chocolate does have antioxidants and I knew that two small squares would satisfy the craving I had for chocolate, and it did!  However, I am still having to learn that when I crave something like that, why I am craving it and do I NEED it.  I don't think I always do and part of my sinfulness is running again and again to my cravings for yummy tasting stuff rather than to my God.

Sometimes this battle with weight and the scale seems unending and it probably always be.  It was a mentally discouraging week for me.  My mind wasn't strong and I was consumed with the fact that last Monday the scale went back up to 188.  I just couldn't shake it.  I've been trying so hard and to think that MORE effort is going to be what it takes to keep dropping numbers seems a daunting task.  I am trying hard to remind myself that this journey is long, that the number isn't what it is about.  That for me, it is about getting healthy so I can life a full long life and most importantly for me, that I can learn to glorify God with the choices I make about food.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Yea, that's me.  FRUSTRATED.  No weight loss this week on the scale and I honestly have no idea why.  It actually went up.  Pretty bummed about it, but have to remember that it isn't in the number right? It's a journey to getting healthy and as long as I am learning to make good choices that is what is important.  Easier said than done...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My week

It's been a good week other than the fact that I have been sick. 

I have got to learn how to manage life when things get more complicated or my schedule doesn't work as planned.  I did great last week, eating, working out, seemed to flow so smoothly.

Then this week hit, two days with sick kids home= me not working out. THEN, I get sick=not working out.  My rhythm has been interrupted and it gets frustrating and discouraging how to navigate.  I haven't given up though. I am still pushin through and hopefully health will be my friend again next week.  Because I do not like it when my plans don't work out accordingly. 

In the past, I would have thrown the towel in and given up completely.  I would have allowed myself to indulge in the foods I love and crave because "it was out of my control" however, that is not truth.  Truth is that I DO have control over what gets put into this chicks mouth.  I may not have control over sickness, health, work out schedules all the time, but the one thing I do have control over is what I allow to enter this body.  And I am proudly telling you that I did good for the most part.  I did eat like 6 small chocolates one day while preparing the kids Valentine for their teachers.  BUT, I STOPPED at 6!  Before, I would have just kept on going.  But, I did think about those chocolates all day long...and had to remind myself to think on Jesus.  He is truly what my soul craves more of.  I am learning this. 

I told you I was reading a new book.  Made to Crave.  I just started it and she says something in it that really sums things up for me..
       "Honestly, I am made for more than a vicious cycle of eating, gaining, stressing-eating, gaining stressing...I am made to rise up, do battle with my issues and, using the Lord's strength in me, defeat them-spiritually, physically, and mentally-to the glory of God."

I love that!  That is so true.  And slowly, I am learning it. 

After looking back at all my weights I am glad to say that it's been a slow and steady journey down.  This last year I actually got back up to 199 and that's when I began to panic.  I had honestly worked so hard to get under the 200lb. mark and the fact that it was staring so closely at me was scary.  That for me is really when my heart was having to be dealt with and God began to grab hold of me.  I didn't want to keep dieting.  I wanted to grow closer to Him and not go to food to fill every emotion that I was feeling.  I wanted Him to fill it.  It's still a daily struggle, but something that I am so thankful for because in realizing this truth, I really feel that I am on the way to truly being an over comer.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


It is now February of 2011.  It has been awhile since posting, but I am now trying hard to keep up on it.

I have been meeting with 3 other women on a consistent basis.  We all struggle with food, overeating, and the addiction that it is.  We just finished a great book Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the Bondage of Destructive Eating Habits, By Elyse Fitzpatrick. .It is a great book and really took me to a new place when I look at this journey to lose weigth.  It isn't so much about losing weight, although that is the natural benefit.  It's that I always put food before God and that becomes my idol.  When I am stressed, happy, sad, anxious, bored, tired, etc. the first thing I want to do is eat, not run to the King of Kings and be filled with Him. This book addresses this issue and it is so good.  Very hard at times, but also very good for someone like me, who depends on the comfort that food brings.  It was really never meant to do that for me.  Food is for fuel, nutrition.  It's meant to keep me going, to keep me living.  It's supposed to be enjoyed, but not over indulged.  We are next moving onto a new book and study.  Made to Crave, By Lysa Terkeurst (  Check it out.  It's good stuff!

Anyways, I have come to realize more and more that this journey to weight loss isn't about numbers and pounds shed.  It's about becoming intimately close to Jesus and learning to run to Him when I feel the need to over stuff.  It's a journey of making the right choices.  Taking on life and going to the cross when it gets difficult and not just about bending the elbow to stuff food in my mouth.  I know that sounds kind of funny, but for a girl like me.  It's my addiction.  This thing called Food.  You can't live without it which makes it all the more challenging to overcome.  But in the process of meeting with these ladies and getting into the Word more, I am slowly learning.  I am losing the pounds, eating way more fruits and veggies than I have in the past and learning to eat correctly. It isn't mastered.  I make many bad choices, but it's a work in progress. 

I am down to 186.4 as of Monday.  It's taken me a while to get there.  I feel great though and just look forward to shedding even more.