Today I reflect on my week.
I want to eat so much. So much junk. I crave chocolate, brownies, cookies, ice cream, all that is sweet and satisfying.
I get caught in the battle and don't know how to keep moving forward. How to be hungry? How to deprive? How to make good choices? How to crave healthy choices? Ultimately how to allow God to fill me more?
I have worked out hard this week. A feeling of accomplishment around me in that area, but then I look down, when seated, and see the huge roll hanging over my pants. Is it worth all this work? To not see the pounds dropping? Friends around me, in the same struggle, dropping sizes, pounds, inches..and me, well there just doesn't seem to be the same results.
What needs to change? Will this weight EVER come off? Will I ever be at my goal weight of 155? Is that even possible for someone like me?
It's so hard today. To not get caught up in discouragement. After all, I did a kick butt workout this morning with Bob and Jillian on DVD and should be feeling great! I was sweating hard. It was dripping off my body. I ate a great healthy breakfast and lunch. Why still plagued with discouragement? I don't always understand it. I don't get it. I really don't. I need to.
What I need to understand is that this process needs to be more about who I am in Christ rather than who I am in clothes, or no clothes and a certain size. But, it's so consuming. Thinking that way. Trying to learn to focus this journey about Christ -well it isn't always very easy.
I do believe one day I will be at my goal weight. But, it will be when I stop trying to please myself and stop trying to get approval from those around me. You know, all the "wow, you look so great! What have you been doing?" comments. Yea, I seem to value those a little more than I value the way my father looks at me. I know, pretty shallow. But for me, I do believe that one day, when I get my focus right, my pride gone, and trust...trust in the power of the cross, then it will click and it will happen.
Such is the journey. A journey means: process of development: a gradual passing from one state to another regarded as more advanced, e.g. from innocence to mature awareness. I need to get to that mature awareness. It is coming.
I am excited to start my book study, MADE TO CRAVE. I am excited to get rooted in the word, to be challenged with the way I think. To begin to look at this journey through the eyes of Jesus and what He thinks rather than my own opinions, desires, struggles, and joys. I want to glorify Him! I know she will have a lot of tools in her book to help me and to set my focus on the right things.
But, as of today, I have to admit discouragement is following me. I need to recognize and learn to be thankful for the so many blessings I have in my life. Lord, Help me to focus on the thousand tiny little blessings in my life and let my discouragement be replaced with joy! For I do have so much to be grateful for and this journey is not complete. I am in process, I am working hard, and I am not giving up!