I find myself often WANTING to write. But then stop myself as if nothing important will come. I don't know why it is that I fear what people think. That I won't have more to say. Something profound. Something deep. Keeping myself anonymous. Maybe one day I will get over this fear. I pray I do. I don't understand it completely. I want to write freely. Journal. But, I also don't want it to be revealed how weak I truly am. How often I truly depend on myself rather than God. How much I focus on my little world, rather than His world. It is true, and it is a painful reality.
I have been so challenged lately to be a woman who really knows and lives the word of truth. Who intimately knows Jesus and loves him and longs for him. That I would truly be a woman who finds it far more important to be in communion with him rather than focused on the next piece of food that enters my mouth.
You see, long before the food of choice enters my mouth, it enters my mind. I have this horrible habit of preparing ahead of time all the unhealthy choices in my head. I love the taste of food that is not beneficial to my body. I love the thought of eating it. OH..the chocolate chip cookies. It consumes my thoughts, especially if I am trying to avoid it and be healthy for the day. I will create excuses or reasons in my head why I need to go to certain grocery stores just because I know which ones offer the best bakery cookies I crave. That is the naked truth. I will go out of my way to satisfy the food craving.
I long to do that with the king. I was challenged deeply with scripture the other day. I think about food ALL the time. Whether it is dwelling on what meal to make next for my family, or what I crave, or what I shouldn't be eating, it is always haunting my mind.
And then i came across this scripture. Romans 8:5 "For those who live according to the flesh, set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."
The word is telling me to set my mind on the things of the Spirit. I have been living according to the flesh! Ouch! I need to get control of my mind and my thoughts and focus them on the truths of scripture and what it says about me. My weakness is great. But truly I desire to be a woman of change, a woman of joy, a woman who is after the kings heart, a woman of noble character, a woman who is disciplined and self controlled, a woman with peace and strength, a woman who is Godly in all ways. Not to bring glory to myself, but to bring glory to the most high-the king of kings! He has redeemed my life from the pit. He DIED for me. He stood in my place. I want Him to receive the glory and honor that is due!
I am considering going on a cleanse/fast and I am scared out of my mind to do it. I haven't fasted, truly fasted from anything since I was pregnant with my firstborn. That's 11 years ago. But, after this last week I have realized just how utterly dependent upon food that I am for so many areas of my life. Be it boredom, stress, joy, depression, anxiety, comfort, etc. I run to food. I am so challenged to learn to run to God. To satisfy my desires with Him. To crave Him. And with Easter approaching it seems fitting to get my heart right and learn how to truly depend on Him. If I CAN'T run to food, what will I be forced to do? My relationship with food is unhealthy. It has control over me. I want to rid myself of it's power and fasting and cleansing myself of all the toxins may begin the next stage of my journey. I am praying about it. I wouldn't be doing it to lose weight. I would be doing it because I realize just how stinking much I think, need, want, crave food more than God and I need to get my heart right. If I remove it completely, maybe He can grab a hold of my heart just a little more. Maybe I will learn to depend on God in new ways, maybe the negative relationship I have with food won't have it's hold on my life like it has. I don't know. I am praying about it. I am scared about doing it, because I am a grump when I am hungry or don't get what I want. But, I want God to grab a hold of my heart. I NEED HIM DESPERATELY!