Oh my. This is tough stuff. Not easy at all. The last two days, mainly today, have been really hard. I feel weak today, and a headache. First time really. I was a lot busier and running around. We took the kids to Taco Bell yesterday-we forgot about dinner since we were cleansing. I know horrible mom. But oh my word, the smell in the car was about to send me flying straight through the drive through window and find myself eating every burrito that was being prepared, and I don't even like Taco Bell all that much. Then today, it was the infamous Costco run and you know those terrible Costco Dogs. Yep, had to get those for my kids too. And could I just say, I really wanted to eat all three of them! IKES! They haven't been eating the best this weekend. During the first couple days of the cleanse I actually found myself more consciousness than ever about what they were eating. But that went out the door this last two days as preparing food would be so tempting for me. I went to my mom's tonight after church and she had pizza laying on the counter. A 5 meat combo that looked and smelled delicious. OH MY...
Then in my struggle, I am reminded why I am doing this. God has been so good to me the last couple of days and I don't know what it is about being in a fasted state that makes you feel so much closer or needier of God. But I have felt a hunger for him that is starting to get deeper and deeper. I have been so complacent the last few years of my life and I truly desire from the core of my being that at the end of this cleanse, I would experience true break through in not only my eating habits but in my spiritual life. I know he created me for so much more than I am doing, but I need to start growing more in him. That is the sweetness of being without food I guess. I recognize how much more I need him. How much closer I long to be to Him. I am so distracted the majority of the time, and it is only by his grace that I am actually able to do this crazy thing that I am doing.
It will be day 5 tomorrow.
Today I felt at times ready to quit. I so badly just wanted a taste of the foods that were around me, staring at me. It was kind of a discouraging day in that sense. I felt a lot weaker, tired, and super hungry. Today I struggled also with a lot of fear. Here I am cleansing my body, still being tempted with the crappy food that I want so badly to eat, what will happen when I come off of it? Will I gravitate towards eating or tasting, all the delicious crap foods that I have been filling my life with? Or, will I have the strength and DESIRE to eat healthy? To be a disciplined woman who fights for her health? My weakness is great, and if I were to quit today, I think I would be in the same boat as before I started and I SO don't want to be there. So, here's to another 5 days. I am praying that in those 5 days, God would do a miracle in my heart and help me to see and desire healthy, disciplined living. And most importantly, renew my love and desire for Jesus, my savior.