grrr...

Been sick this week with a sick child, there went my exercise plan for this week to get below the 200 mark. I am super bummed. Looks like it will have to wait until February. The good thing is I am still motivated, just really bummed that I haven't been able to really work out this week. Having a cold, cough and sore throat just doens't do it. Hopefully this will be gone soon. ~SMH

Last week-bummer-this week-better~SMH

So, I gained last week. Maybe it was because of lack of finances. That's the easy thing to blame it on; Eating a lot of breads because it is cheap and pasta because I can make it stretch. But I was so discouraged to see it on the scale. It totally sucks. Oh, well. I am trying hard to not throw in the towel. It will be worth it to keep moving ahead. Discipline sucks, but feels good at the same time. Something about making good choices feels good when you are so used to making bad ones. Maybe it gives me a little sense of accomplishment or even a sense of control over my very uncontrolled life. I don't know. I always thought that the eating, binging, eating whatever sounded good was my sense of control but I am realizing that just as much or even more, when I do make good choices, force myself to go to sleep with a hungry tummy, there is a huge part of me that feels "in control" or accomplished for that day and it feels good.

It is not easy to say the least. As the hubby and I are not getting a long very well right now, life is unbelievably stressful, there are times when I think "why now?" My way of fixing those things and helping me feel better about it has always been eating. I knew this would come, maybe that is why it is a bit easier this time. I knew the hard times would face me, where I would have every excuse in the book to run to food, chocolate, whatever to ease it all. I knew it would suck to start limiting my calories, I knew I would get sick with a cold or something to get me down. It's all little ways the enemy wants to throw my success in the garbage, to make me continue to feel horrible about myself, to make my self confidence diminish, to stop me from becoming who God has called me to be. That is my motivation to keep moving forward.

So, I had a bad week, but if I stay and dwell there I will be in the same boat I was a month ago and the enemy within me will have won. It will take all that much longer to gain control again, to lose the weight, to feel good about myself. I am tired of feeling shitty. I am tired of feeling like a blob. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like the biggest one in the room. I am tired. The only way I can change that is if I change. I am tired of the roller coaster ride. I am tired of always having an excuse. The fact is, is that most of the time I am just super undisciplined and just don't care. I have to change my mind, the way I think. Because at the end of the day, I am tired of not winning this battle and I want to become a winner. Whether it means losing all the weight or not, but to become healthy, to make good choices, to feel good about myself and have the confidence that I need to do what God wants me to do someday, that is when I become a winner.

To become a champion in any event it takes determination and flat out hard work. How bad do I want it? Today, I am tired. Today, I want it and the success that time will bring IF I choose to work hard. Today, I want to break the cycle that we have grown up with in our family. Today I have some fight in me, and by His grace, today I will make it through.

For today - SMM

OK... I'm gonna lay it all out. Be brutally honest. It will not be encouraging - so stop reading now if you want. I am pretty pissed. Pretty fed up. Pretty much ready to throw in the towel and accept the fact that maybe I am not a size 10 like I wish I was. Maybe I like to eat food for comfort. Maybe my husband thinks I am full of excuses and the only way he knows to support me is to remind me of my flaws. Maybe this is just the life I was designed to live. I have tried every method of (f)&(*&*(#) diets! I have once again... dropped a bunch of weight, just to gain it all back. I DID want to stick with it.... somehow I lost ALL momentum and ALL desire.... it's gone. Here I sit, in my fat clothes again.
Hard to stomach. Dont quite get it. I know that if my little sister was able to fit in these pants, and she will, she'd be thrilled. She'd feel a sense of accomplishment. I'd be so proud of her. She'd have succeeded in her goals to a point. So what am I sitting here hating myself for? I am in my mid-30's, have had 4 kids, been married for 15 years. What the hell? I have spent the last 20 + years thinking I am fat. Thinking I suck. Being down on myself for failing miserably at this weight battle.
Honestly - I am sick and tired. This is who I am. I am a little heavy. I should be more active. Am I ugly? Well, I have always thought so. But who is that calling a liar? If I claim to be ugly - then I am saying that my kids, my husband, my sister, my nephews, my friends, my parents... you are all liars! Is that true? No. These are the people who love me and support me. Who I have thought were liars for all these years. Am I lying when I say my sister is beautiful? Not on your life. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. What about her weight? Well, only because I know it's a personal battle for her - do I even give it a second thought. I hope and know she will win this battle..... whatever "winning" looks like. Winning is not always about perfection. Sometimes winning is a matter of perspective. It's a shift in our thinking.
So today, in my fury - in my rage - at the time that has been stolen from me - from the selfishness I have focused on all these years... about how fat I am..... maybe today is a winning day for me. You know what, take it or leave it - but today - this is my fat ass, and I am ok with that. Does that mean I should never try to make better choices? Hell no. I need to make better choices, for myself, not for anyone else. I need to make better choices so that I can be who God created me to be. So, this may be only for today.... but for today - I rock! For today - this is just me! For today, maybe throwing in the towel - is also my way of winning. The more I focus on my need to lose weight, the more I seem to fail. What does all this mean? I have no clue. I am just blowing off steam. Do I feel better? Yes. So, that means I win! LOL. For today....

Today. ~SMH

Well, here I am. Two weeks later and down about 8 lbs. It feels good. I get anxious to get it all off NOW, but trying hard to just take it a day at a time, realizing that in time, it will come off. It is my goal to be under 200 by Feb. 1st. That I think is possible. The last time I ever saw the scale under 200 it said 198 and that was a couple of years ago. I am excited to see it lower than that. More than just the weight loss though, I have been growing and being challenged in the way I think. In the past, I would have a bad day and feel as though that were the end and just give up. My mind set is changing and accepting the fact that I will have bad days and it doesn't ruin the whole thing. Every day is a new day and every day I am faced with the option of making good, healthy choices, or bad ones. As long as I make more good ones than bad ones, I should be ok. I have much more grace with myself this time and it is giving me more freedom. I actually enjoy most of the foods I like, so I am not depriving, but I am just not eating them in "bulk" if you know what I mean. I am paying attention to portions and when I am really hitting that afternoon crave having veggies cut up and ready to munch on has helped me tons. ~SMH

SMM, I am anxious for you to be able to get on and write more. I love hearing you and what you write, it really helps me know you more. I know your computer crashed and may not be easy for you to write, but I will keep up. It is helping me a lot. I love you!

Feeling discouraged~SMH~

Today I woke up in just a really grumpy bad mood. I have no idea why, yesterday was a good day. I just wanted to start stuffing my face. I haven't yet. Hopefully I can get out of this mood. I had a pretty good week so far. I have worked out 4 times so far. Hopefully today will make 5 if I can get it in. It is crazy how much you realize your dependency on food when you start restricting it. I am so much more dependent on it that I realized and I am thankful that He is showing me that! He is good. I am just discouraged.

Made it thru the weekend - SMM

Well, I made it thru the weekend. It helped a little, as Aunt Debbie and Vicki came to do a IsaGenix meeting. That was motivating!

I have stayed on track. Learned a few things: one of the biggest obstacles to losing weight is dehydration. The more water we give our bodies, the easier it is to flush it out and helps get the weight off.

I am frusterated with finances as well. For different reasons. I am on this program, which I love and could imagine being on- really for the rest of my life - but I can not afford to purchase it. It's discouraging. So, I may be counting calories soon as well. I just hate the obsession with food that it creates. I find myself thinking about food constantly... what I can and cant eat. I really am a lazy person, dont want to have to think about it. Maybe that is the point.... but once we memorize what a realistic portion is, maybe it will help.

I know I eat more when I am stressed. But I have also realized a habit involved. It's a routine in our marriage. It's not necessarily bad, but it's hard to break. Every night when the kids go to bed, with out fail, my husband and I sit together on the couch and watch tv or a movie. Sometimes we snack, sometimes I have a glass of wine or two, sometimes we do both. I cuddle up next to him and fall asleep before the movie is over. He wakes me up and we go to bed. It may sound redundant, but I must find a lot of pleasure in it, because I can not seem to break that cycle. It is so relaxing to me. Maybe if I had some veggies cut up or something like that to snack on.... just thinking.

My goals for this week are to add in some exercise, and make a healthy grocery list & stick to it.

My weight loss goals, I am not sure of yet. My mind has definately changed some in the last few months. I am what I am - and I am more ok with that than I have ever been. I'd like to be a size 10. I am comfortable there. I dont know what that weight will be. The bigger goal is to maintain it - I am learning that for me, that is the toughest challenge of all. I absolutely despise this yo-yo.

Keep up the good work sis! I am so motivated by your courage, strength, and knowing that you are over there - doing this - the work that it must entail without the modern conveniences we have here. Keep it up & don't worry - the clothes will come one way or another!

A New Week ~SMH~

Whew, I barely made it through last week, but I did it and the scales show. I probably could have lost a bit more had I not gotten a little of track on Saturday and Sunday, but I decided that on Sundays, I would give myself a little slack (not a lot) but a little. That way I have a little treat to look forward to! That is, until the scale stops dropping. I lost almost 5 lbs.!!! GREAT! I would love to be under 200 lbs. by February. Like 199. That would be an accomplishment! I don't remember the last time the scale was under 200, it was some time ago. I am ready though.



I have been a bit discouraged about losing, for the sole purpose of what the heck am I going to do with all my clothes and buying new ones! When you don't really have a dime extra each month, it is going to make it a challenge. I better figure out a way to start saving now, cause that time IS going to come! I believe it, I am not going to let it be the reason I stop losing, we will figure it out!!!



I have realized so much this week about the importance of keeping track of calories. It has really helped me to see how much I am really eating, how much I overeat, and how much I really only need! I hope to keep on track with that. I don't always have the time, but I want to push myself to keeping on track with it. I exercised 4 days last week, and parked the car much farther than I normally do on my errand trips. I am trying to do things that are small that in the long run add to my calorie burn during the day. ~LIFESTYLE CHANGE~ something I can manage and continue, not being lazy, forcing myself to walk a little further than I sometimes want to.



I did have few rough moments during the week when I just wanted to binge on a sweet. I just wanted to taste the goodness of chocolate, cookies, etc...I did :( I didn't binge, but I tasted, and that was an accomplishment for me. I have to stop beating myself up when I make little mistakes and convince my mind of the good things I have done to change and focus there, rather than on what I did wrong. I do better at beating myself up at times than being an encourager to myself, but I am realizing that when I do encourage myself, I have more self control, more motivation, and more desire to make change. It really helps believe it or not!!! So, this week, I am going to focus more on no cheating...and more on positive thoughts about my accomplishments. I am going to focus more on the 6.6 lbs I want to lose by the end of the month than on the big picture of 50. 6.6 seems much more reasonable :)!!!



Sis, thanks for your encouragement. I am so glad we are doing this together. This journaling helps me so incredibly much. I feel like it is a public place so there is accountability, but I can let my hair and really share my thoughts, feelings, and crap because of the identity thing (for some reason I feel like I can bare all more). Anyways, thanks girl! I love ya and so glad we have something we get to do together even though we are miles apart!

I finally made it here! - SMM

Well, after a week of moving and craziness... I am sure my sister is wondering where I am! Well, I am here now! I am so proud of your progress this week. I love the idea of sharing this journey via blogging. It really has helped keep me on track this week. It matters! I dont want to slip or slide, because I know we are motivating each other. I know this is about our own personal journey, but I cant help but encourage you... it's who I am. So here is a little of that, then I'll share my story:
You are such an amazing rock of a woman! I know you have felt the pain of your weight all of your life, it has beat you down at times - but just so you know - you are beautiful to me! Especially as an adult, mother, woman, wife, sister - you have shown yourself as a woman of class and determination. I just love you so much and I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes! I am honored to walk thru this with you and I know we are going to beat this strong-hold in our lives! (Love you!)
As for me, in a nut shell... I have thought I was fat my entire life. Even when I was a size 6, I thought I was fat and ugly. It has been something that has messed with my marriage, my confidence, my energy, my self-talk - my entire life. That is what my goal is - to change that part of me. To realize that this is so much more than the weight of my body. It is in my mind. It is where the enemy traps and holds me. It is about addiction. It is about using a drug to comfort me, to releive stress, to celebrate with. I'm tired of the battle! It's time to have victory!
I started my Isagenix program in August. Lost a bunch of weight. Got off the program, due to vacation, laziness, the addiction, holidays.... gained a bunch back. I started on Monday the 5th and have done pretty well this week. The easier I make it for myself and the less I spend obsessing about food - the better I stay on track. My one downfall, is that I have been drinking alcohol more than normal. I have started unwinding with it, along with my husband, in the evenings. Not a good habit. I did not exercise this week, other than regular life. That is something I am ready to get on track with as well. Our bodies are not getting younger! The 30's are just an introduction to aches and pains of the later years. Time to do something about that!
I am so thankful for this support system between sisters! What a huge accountability to each other! So, the journey begins.... the path to victory... TOGETHER!

ugh...

Ok, so this week has been long, hard and tiring. I have been waking up early and getting my exercise videos in eating better and yet the battle in my mind is so strong. I have to constantly fight thoughts of giving up. I want to enjoy food, eat what I want etc. Tracking my calories though has been a huge surprise to me. It really doesn't take a lot to add those calories up in a day. Watching them this week has made it no wonder why I haven't been able to lose weight all these years. I like to pack in the calories! Exercising has been nice, but I hate being sore. I actually like the tight feeling of the muscles everywhere, but the back and the neck, and the soreness I could do without. I have seemed to have a head ache every day and that has been frustrating, but a part of cutting out the sugar and caffeine. I woke up the other morning with a really irritated lower back and pelvic area. I am not sure what is going on. It is so painful. Maybe it is a cyst developing. I have no clue, but the timing is discouraging. I want to be waking up and exercising without pain, but it looks like that is going to have to be another thing I am forced to push through. Why can't it just come off? Why can't I be like one of those skinny girls who can eat anything and still be thin? Why is my metabolism so slow???? ugh.... Because effort=success. I want to feel the feeling you get from being successful. I want to be one of those girls that people are like "how'd you do it?" and be able to say it that I did it through a lifestyle change, that I didn't quit, I didn't give up and in doing so made me a stronger woman! That is why it just can't come off! I am having to work so that my character can be developed, my strength can shine through, and my dependency on Christ can deepen! ~SMH~

Reflections after 1st day.

I made it through the day. I definately felt it. I felt that I had no sugar in my system or my typical morning cup of coffee. It made for a pretty grumpy afternoon, but I did it. This mountain is so much bigger than me, but aren't all mountains bigger than us? SO, I have to learn to climb. I have to learn to navigate up the hills without falling down. I have to learn where to place my feet, and where to grip my hands when I am at the edge almost ready to fall. But, I will climb and even though it takes a lot of work, effort, energy, and strength, I will eventually reach the top of the mountain. I have to walk it slowly. I have to put one foot in front of the next, day by day, moment by moment. I will overcome. I will reach the top.

First day.

Today I start. I had a hard time sleeping last night in anticipation. Fear of failing, fear of not eating whatever the heck I feel like it. Fear that I won't be able to conquer these temptations to run to food. Fear that in a year from now I will look back and be the same old me as I have done in the last 8 years. But, When I finally got out of bed, "He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind," can rushing to my mind. Thank you Lord for your word. I walk today, today. I can get through this. I want this. I will not give up. I will not fail.

I worked out this morning for about 25 minutes. Felt good. Started fitday.com, a free site that allows me to keep track of my goals, my calorie intake, etc. So, I am planning. I won't fail if I plan, but if I fail to plan, I will fail. I am trying. Todays goal is to take 10,000 steps. Keep calories at about 1400.

~SMH

2009 Here we come!

So, our journey to success begins. No more excuses. No more defeats. No more negative self talk. Here we go...Bring it on. We are ready! I want to say I think I am ready, but then that again plays at my negative self talk giving me a window out in case it gets rough. It will get rough. Overcoming weight issues is not easy, but I am willing to fight. Willing to fight to get healthy, to live a life not feeling insecure at every breathing moment because of the bulge and lack of confidence I have at times.

My sister and I are miles and miles apart. She is my best friend, my amazing sister, a wonderful auntie, and the list could go on. Her and I have always struggled with our weight. We like to eat especially when we are emotional. It brings comforts, ease into the stressful moments, a bit of joy when discouraged. It is not right, it is sin. We go to the comfort of food rather than our eternal source, the king of kings. He is what longs for our attention, our dependency on Him when life brings the storms and stresses.

So, my sister and I are on this journey together. This is a way for us to help each other out (we are so similar). A way to post our goals, weekly weigh ins, our struggles, when we want to run to food, we will run to Him first, to each other, and to this site to journal those feelings and often funny craving we can get... So I am starting this!

Let's do it!

SMH-

WEIGHT: 211

GOAL: To lose 50 pounds by my 30th birthday in June!
and another 10-15 lbs by my 10 year anniversary!

2009 is going to be a good year. I am determined to get it off, to feel good about myself, have energy for my family, and live a long healthy life. I am going to change my lifestyle...not just lose the weight or diet. I would like to call it a lifestyle change journey rather than that dreaded word, "diet.' So, SMM I am waiting to hear yours...

Let's do it! WE CAN!!! I am so excited to do this journey with you.