Tuesday, April 19, 2011

GREEN TEA and confession time.

I am going to get back into drinking my green tea!  I used to drink it all the time when I was first beginning my diet and exercise routine when I lived overseas.  I would brew it in a large pitcher, then refrigerate it and drink it through the entire day in addition to my water.  I moved back to the states, got lazy again, started my daily latte habit and realized for some reason when I drink coffee, especially lattes' it is harder for me to lose weight.  It's been a few weeks now that I have given up on my need for lattes and coffee and have been drinking green tea, but just not consistently!  I was reminded today at Peak313 Fitness of the benefits of green tea and being that it's week 3's challenge, I think I will start it up again.  Get my metabolism going a little bit more and see if it will help me!

And I need all the help I can get!  I had a very frustrating week.  Probably PMS, but still I felt ravenous in my eating habits.  I was never quite satisfied and craved sugar like there was no tomorrow!  UGH.  It was so frustrating and I feel horrible caving into those weak areas of my life.  I have my group of girls that get together for accountability and I feel like I let them down in someway.  I just didn't care.  I know, it was only one week, but it truly sucked.  I feel like I do a lot of saying, "this week I am getting back on track" so I even hate to let those words come out, but I really feel like that is what I am going to do.  I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate ok overall.  I did cave at a point and had a chocolate chip cookie.  My hope is that today I can be strong enough to not even go after that cookie! 

I don't completely understand this journey.  How to include God into the process of eating.  Seeing it as sinful, for me, to indulge is sinful. I know my heart.  It's complicated though when I eat to eat and I am not feeling a certain way;  stressed, anxious, depressed etc. and still overeat just to eat.  I don't quite get that.  Why do I allow myself to sabotage the efforts that I have put in?  I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and I pray that in this upcoming year that it would change.  I can't rid it from my life, but I pray that I would truly learn to EAT to LIVE not live to eat!  I have so much work to be done in my heart!  It's my battle.  I will be an OVER COMER by the blood of the lamb! 

Jesus, be my strength and be my portion today.  Help me to see my sinfulness, help me to repent and to turn.  I have replaced you so many times in my life with food.  Quicken me today, to help me see those times, those habits and patterns that I have created that are not a benefit to my life.  Show me when I am wrong, show me when I am eating just to eat, convict me when I am not eating something beneficial to my body. And help me to truly crave and desire more of you in my life.  Jesus, I NEED YOU! Nothing else, only YOU!  Fill me today, I pray.  Amen.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Quinoa Challenge

I have been reading this blog called Peak313Fitness.  It seems to be good timing that I clicked on it this morning. I met with a friend yesterday and talked about the discouraged feelings I had because I have kind of hit a wall.  I did this trying to get under 200 lbs.  It seemed to take me forever to break that barrier when I had tried.  I did it, but I really had to change things up a bit.  Now, I am having a really hard time getting out of the 180's.  Another wall. UGH.  But I was talking to her about feeling like I needed to change things up again  and do something different, but I wasn't sure what it was.  She gave me some great ideas, and then I  clicked on Peak313Fitness this morning and feel like I got another great idea from Clare. 

This week she is challenging her readers to start the day off eating Quinoa.  I have been looking for ways to change up what I am doing because I have not lost much weight in weeks and have seemed to hit a plateau.  I really like this idea.  It's packed with protein and good stuff for you.  Hopefully it will be filling and help me get my day off to a full great start.  I like learning new ideas.  I need to mix things up a bit and hopefully this will help.  Click on the link above to get a better idea and more details to the benefits of Quinoa!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Naked Truth

I find myself often WANTING to write.  But then stop myself as if nothing important will come.  I don't know why it is that I fear what people think.  That I won't have more to say.  Something profound.  Something deep.  Keeping myself anonymous.  Maybe one day I will get over this fear.  I pray I do.  I don't understand it completely.  I want to write freely.  Journal.  But, I also don't want it to be revealed how weak I truly am.  How often I truly depend on myself rather than God.  How much I focus on my little world, rather than His world.  It is true, and it is a painful reality.

I have been so challenged lately to be a woman who really knows and lives the word of truth.  Who intimately knows Jesus and loves him and longs for him.  That I would truly be a woman who finds it far more important to be in communion with him rather than focused on the next piece of food that enters my mouth. 

You see, long before the food of choice enters my mouth, it enters my mind.  I have this horrible habit of preparing ahead of time all the unhealthy choices in my head.  I love the taste of food that is not beneficial to my body.  I love the thought of eating it.  OH..the chocolate chip cookies.  It consumes my thoughts, especially if I am trying to avoid it and be healthy for the day.  I will create excuses or reasons in my head why I need to go to certain grocery stores just because I know which ones offer the best bakery cookies I crave.  That is the naked truth.  I will go out of my way to satisfy the food craving. 

I long to do that with the king.   I was challenged deeply with scripture the other day.  I think about food ALL the time.  Whether it is dwelling on what meal to make next for my family, or what I crave, or what I shouldn't be eating, it is always haunting my mind. 

And then i came across this scripture.  Romans 8:5 "For those who live according to the flesh, set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

The word is telling me to set my mind on the things of the Spirit.  I have been living according to the flesh!  Ouch!  I need to get control of my mind and my thoughts and focus them on the truths of scripture and what it says about me.  My weakness is great.  But truly I desire to be a woman of change, a woman of joy, a woman who is after the kings heart, a woman of noble character, a woman who is disciplined and self controlled, a woman with peace and strength, a woman who is Godly in all ways.  Not to bring glory to myself, but to bring glory to the most high-the king of kings!  He has redeemed my life from the pit.  He DIED for me.  He stood in my place.  I want Him to receive the glory and honor that is due!

I am considering going on a cleanse/fast and I am scared out of my mind to do it.  I haven't fasted, truly fasted from anything since I was pregnant with my firstborn.  That's 11 years ago.  But, after this last week I have realized just how utterly dependent upon food that I am for so many areas of my life.  Be it boredom, stress, joy, depression, anxiety, comfort, etc. I run to food.  I am so challenged to learn to run to God. To satisfy my desires with Him.  To crave Him.  And with Easter approaching it seems fitting to get my heart right and learn how to truly depend on Him.  If I CAN'T run to food, what will I be forced to do?  My relationship with food is unhealthy.  It has control over me.  I want to rid myself of it's power and fasting and cleansing myself of all the toxins may begin the next stage of my journey.  I am praying about it.  I wouldn't be doing it to lose weight.  I would be doing it because I realize just how stinking much I think, need, want, crave food more than God and I need to get my heart right.  If I remove it completely, maybe He can grab a hold of my heart just a little more.  Maybe I will learn to depend on God in new ways, maybe the negative relationship I have with food won't have it's hold on my life like it has.  I don't know. I am praying about it.  I am scared about doing it, because I am a grump when I am hungry or don't get what I want.  But, I want God to grab a hold of my heart.  I NEED HIM DESPERATELY! 

Friday, April 1, 2011

It's been a little while since writing.  I am not good at this blog thing and keeping up on it. 

I met with the girls last night.  My accountability group.  The girls who keep me on my toes, who are in this struggle with me and understand it completely.  We get together, do a book study, talk, discuss our weights, etc.  It's really good and refreshing for me meeting with them.  It's a reminder that this is a battle, and not to give up and stop fighting.  I am surely not on a diet, but a spiritual journey.  I was reminded last night that it's a spiritual commitment, not a diet.  A commitment that I want to learn to glorify God in.  It gets hard trying to figure it out at times.  I mean, glorifying God in WHAT WE EAT?  Seriously?  YES! For, someone like me who has turned to food all her life as a means to comfort, entertain, ease, etc...it has always been about running to the comfort that food brings rather than running to the throne of Grace and true comfort.  All I can say is I am learning.  It is definitely a journey, and I fail almost every day in some way or another.  But, I long to be more like Jesus, and if it means that he is doing some refining and awakening in my soul to get me there, I will go through this process to learn, to be humble, and to grow more in Him.

I am running a half marathon on Sunday!!!  It's my first one ever.  I am excited, nervous, anxious, and if I think about it too hard I literally get an upset tummy!  I have been training for it though. I know I am prepared as much as I can be, and it will be ok.  It's a HUGE accomplishment for me.  Just a few months ago it killed me to run 6 miles.  So the fact that I am and can do twice that much is so exciting for me.  When I was even in my best shape of my life in high school, I couldn't run that far! 

I haven't been keeping track of the number on the scale.  I took a break from it.  I get so upset or excited all based on what the number is and it was just too consuming.  I plan on weighing again after my big run!

Well, that is the latest in my world.  Still in this, still in this fight, still wresting thoughts and temptations to eat non nourishing foods, daily.  Some days are great, other days I give in.  I am pushing through.  Not giving up and still hoping to be at my goal weight by the end of July!