Friday, February 27, 2009

Here we go again....~SMH~

I have battled depression, anxiety for years. I hate the way I feel about myself. I have struggled for so long. I was doing so well, and then I got sick, not only a little cold, but bronchitis, so I couldn't breath when I tried to exercise. This always seems to happen when I start doing good at exercising and eating right. It is so frustrating. It has gone back downhill and I am so frustrated and discouraged by it. It feels hopeless at times. But, I do want to look and feel good. I need to accomplish and fight this battle that I have faced since the beginning of times. I was the "fat" kid in school. Kids on the playground used to run around teasing me. My step mom used to take pictures of me as a child and tell me they were to remind me of how fat I was as a child someday when I am older. Then I went to junior high, started my period, got involved with sports, lost the weight, looked and felt good but always thought I was fat -even on my wedding day when I was between a size 10-12. THEN, I had kids and have gained like crazy since. The battle of getting it off and not having much time or motivation to take care of ME because of having everyone else to take care of has gotten the best of me at times. I have gone through much of my life feeling defeated at every turn, not feeling like I CAN accomplish anything. Feeling like it is out there for everyone else but me. Those are lies. But nonetheless it hurts and I am struggling to get off of that wagon and onto the one again that I was just on of taking it a day at a time, one good decision at a time and moving forward into the goals I have set to lose 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. I don't know how to do it. But I need to do it. I want to do it. "Help me Lord today, to get off of the wagon of self pity and defeat, and gain control once again of the choices I am making and working hard at trying to lose this weight. Help me to get back into the "routine," help me to focus on the goal, help me to be one of the people that actually does it and accomplishes her goals. Help me Lord. I have no strength of my own today to muster up. But, I need to change. Change me Lord, in you name I pray. Amen."

Monday, February 9, 2009

Drawing my strength from the Father.~SMH

I did it. I actually lost weight this week much to my surprise. It is so crazy how much the scale can fluctuate, just two days ago when I weighed I had gained, but when I got up this morning to do my weekly weigh in the numbers were down. I am excited about that and am even more excited that at the end of this week it will be under 200. My hope and prayer is to never ever see that number again.

Today is a tough day, emotionally. I am having to force myself to draw near to the Father for my strength. My understanding is in his word. I long to be closer to him. I am sad and missing my friends and family so much my heart aches, literally. I love my life here for the most part, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my family and friends. It gets hard not having them near, but it keeps me drawn to Jesus, because he is the only one that I can get my comfort from when I feel so alone. He is with me.

I love doing this journey with my sister. It helps me feel closer. It helps me feel connected to someone. So much around me changes daily and the constant things in my life are the Lord; he is unchanging, and my sister's love and friendship. It is irreplaceable and unchanging as well.

Normally when I am feeling down, sad, or even a bit depressed I run to food. So, I am committing today to not run to food. I will run to Him and when I am done posting, I will go for a walk even though I still have this terrible cough. HE is more than enough to satisfy my hungers, needs and desires. HE is all I have! He is my STRENGTH!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Grateful ~ SMM

Today I am grateful... for so many things.
1. I heard the Lord's voice and answered the quiet voice that is always drawing me back to Him.
2. I feel like a lump of clay in the potter's hand, and I am thankful that the process of change is happening in my heart.
3. People that love me... just how I am.
4. There is a path of recovery that many people have taken before me, and successfully... that I dont have to reinvent the wheel, but I do have to do the hard work.
5. That I am exactly where God wants me for today.
6. That my sister re-discovered her spiritual voice, atleast the one that I can hear.
7. That my kids and my husband are healthy and vibrant and a gift to me.

I could keep going but it would amount to listing things like air, water, music.... all of the sudden, my eyes are awakened to the beauty and gifts that surround me. I love it when Jesus puts those kind of glasses on my eyes, a mere glimpse of seeing the way that he sees.

I have an addiction... an addiction to unhealthy relationships: where I seek validation and approval. I have an addiction to food... where I go to comfort my heart, my loneliness, my pain - that comes from seeking everything except God. I have a Habit, that could potentially lead to addiction if I dont treat it seriously... and that is to alcohol. It is a quick and fun escape. The problem is that the more I have, the more I crave, the more I eat and throw caution to the wind, the more and more I disconnect and check out, and the further I get from God. So, for TODAY, I have victory and the Lord is my strength. Healing these addictions, and giving them over to Him, admitting that I truly am powerless over them.... that is the first step to my recovery. It's the choice in the fight or flight reaction that all humans have. Today I have chosen to fight... and only because my father has reminded me that the fight, however tough it is, is worth it... especially when He is in charge.

Friday, February 6, 2009


It doesn't help being sick and having PMS AND trying to lose weight. I want to eat everything and my tummy doesn't feel satisfied most of the time! I still haven't been able to work out because of my cough, it's pretty awful. I haven't given up or lost hope, just having one of those weeks that seems to keep going and going the wrong direction. I ate too much this week. I am sure it will show on the scales on Monday. It sucks. I am frustrated. It seems that every time I get focused and start seeing success something gets in the way. There is always a new mountain to climb or giant to face. It isn't easy, this journey to weight loss and healthy living. I am used to eating when I want-what I want. Changing that, isn't the easiest and it has been many years of living that way. I am being patient with myself, but I don't want to get out of my routine. I don't want to throw it all away because I haven't seen the results that I long for right now. I wanted to be down more by this day, but life and lack of discipline has gotten in the way. It's a crazy journey. It's a hard one. But addictions are a battle to overcome, any one of them, mine just happens to be be food, something that you HAVE to have to survive. Finding the balance of having to eat and wanting to eat to fulfill things in me is the tough part. I am praying for His grace to learn and to fight the addiction of running to food. So, here's to PMS and all the cravings and emotions that come with it! I am learning and having to change. I WON'T GIVE UP!!!

Monday, February 2, 2009

A quote...

I don't remember where I read this, but it has stuck in my head for the last couple of years and although it hasn't helped me in the past, it is helping me now. I think about summer being a few months away, short season coming, tank tops, my arms, my belly and me in a swimsuit. This quote reminds me to stay on track....May it help you too.

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."~Unknown.

A prayer. ~SMH~

OK. Last week was good, NOT! I was sick with sick kids all week and still fighting it. My chest is so congested, it sucks. I didn't work out once last week, but fortunately, I didn't GAIN any weight and for that I am thankful. I guess being sick will do that to you a little. So, it is a new month. I will be under 200 by the end of this month! I would actually like to work really hard to lose another 10 pounds, that would take me to 193. It would be a miracle to actually be less than that, but I want to keep a doable range that I can maintain. So, yep sis, the comp is on!!! You're right, I tend to like it a little more than you :) . But, I believe you can lose the 10 too. I need to take my measurements. I took them Jan. 1st, I would like to see if those have changed at all.

My obstacles this week are now I am dealing with kids who are sick and need to figure out how to get some workouts in and eat healthy. It's rainy so I don't dare take the kids out with me to the market place, I may have to depend on the hubby a little more this week. But, I am determined to continue losing.

This battle sis, that we are on may entail many "start overs," but the goal is that we learn to live a healthy life in the long run of it all. That we set goals and learn the importance and the significance of accomplishing them. To not be quitters. To gain a self worth that says "accomplishing our goals is worth it." To take pride in our accomplishments and be ok with seeing them through and learn that it feels so good and so worth it to finish things we start and set out to do. The feeling that we gain from accomplishing a task, is worth it. It says, "We did it. We can do it. We are not failures. We are not weak. We are strong. He is good."

So, here's to a new month for the both of us! CHEERS! Here's to a month of not quitting when the going gets rough and the stressors hit at full speed. When the walls of life crumble around us, we will not turn to the comforts of food, but to the comforts that the Lord can provide, to friendship, to exercise, to each other.

"Lord, help us to be successful this month. Not to gain an ego, but to gain the joys of feeling accomplished at something. Burn steadfast in our hearts and in our minds. Help us win the battle that gets us down, knocks us back on our butts time and time again. Help us to put our feet down and firmly say-NO MORE-. We are tired from this rat race, this yo-yo of losing, gaining, and a depleting self image. We are beautifully made in your image and we are more than conquerors because of the work you have done inside of us. Help us to turn to you in our stress, our loneliness, our boredom, anxiety, whatever it is. Let us praise you for all things, for you long to glorify yourself in our weakness and we long to bless you in the process. Help us today. This month. Give us a fight in our spirit that stands against the thing that gets us down time and time again-our weight. Help us to live healthy lives and to mold healthy behaviors for our children. We need your grace. Whisper in our ears when we need reminders, be near to us in our hearts and minds this month. Help us to accomplish the goals set before us. In your name. AMEN"

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Starting over - SMM

So, today is a new beginning. I am starting fresh.
My goals: Limit my portions,
drink atleast 64 oz. water,
Exercise every day for the next 21 days,
We'll see.....
I'd like to lose 10 lbs this month.
So, sis, we are after the same goal! Let's compete... I know you are always up for some competition. (Me, not so much... but I'll do it!)
I've gained every single pound back since I started my weight loss in August.
It only took me 2 months to gain what took me 3 months to take off... and the taking off was much harder than the gaining. I have to get myself on track. For the health of it.