Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 5

Yesterday went a little better.  Not AS tempted by the foods and smells around me.  I found myself going to the bathroom a lot ;-) which is good, that means I am cleansing.  It's working.  But it isn't very fun if you are running errands and a bathroom isn't very close!  Hahaha!  I had a head ache toward the later end of the day and found that I had to drink a lot more yesterday to feel full at all.  I was surprisingly very hungry at times.  You'd think by day 5 my system would be a little more used to it, but sadly it isn't.  I still want to eat, I am still craving crap.   Mainly just the way it feels in my mouth for my taste buds.  I don't feel the NEED to eat it, just wanting it.  Praying that would change by the end of this.  It would be so sad to go through all of this just to go back to the way I was eating prior.  I also found that I got dizzy a couple of times, which again, meant I needed to drink more of my drink.  So, that's about it.  Oh, and yea, I was pretty grumpy.  That's never fun.  Especially for the little ones in my life. 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Cleanse: Day 3 & 4

Oh my.  This is tough stuff.  Not easy at all.  The last two days, mainly today, have been really hard.  I feel weak today, and a headache.  First time really.  I was a lot busier and running around.  We took the kids to Taco Bell yesterday-we forgot about dinner since we were cleansing.  I know horrible mom.  But oh my word, the smell in the car was about to send me flying straight through the drive through window and find myself eating every burrito that was being prepared, and I don't even like Taco Bell all that much.  Then today, it was the infamous Costco run and you know those terrible Costco Dogs.  Yep, had to get those for my kids too.  And could I just say, I really wanted to eat all three of them!  IKES!  They haven't been eating the best this weekend.  During the first couple days of the cleanse I actually found myself more consciousness than ever about what they were eating.  But that went out the door this last two days as preparing food would be so tempting for me. I went to my mom's tonight after church and she had pizza laying on the counter.  A 5 meat combo that looked and smelled delicious.  OH MY...

Then in my struggle, I am reminded why I am doing this.  God has been so good to me the last couple of days and I don't know what it is about being in a fasted state that makes you feel so much closer or needier of God.  But I have felt a hunger for him that is starting to get deeper and deeper.  I have been so complacent the last few  years of my life and I truly desire from the core of my being that at the end of this cleanse, I would experience true break through in not only my eating habits but in my spiritual life.  I know he created me for so much more than I am doing, but I need to start growing more in him.  That is the sweetness of being without food I guess.  I recognize how much more I need him.  How much closer I long to be to Him.  I am so distracted the majority of the time, and it is only by his grace that I am actually able to do this crazy thing that I am doing. 

It will be day 5 tomorrow.

Today I felt at times ready to quit.  I so badly just wanted a taste of the foods that were around me, staring at me.  It was kind of a discouraging day in that sense.  I felt a lot weaker, tired, and super hungry.  Today I struggled also with a lot of fear.  Here I am cleansing my body, still being tempted with the crappy food that I want so badly to eat, what will happen when I come off of it?  Will I gravitate towards eating or tasting, all the delicious crap foods that I  have been filling my life with?  Or, will I have the strength and DESIRE to eat healthy?  To be a disciplined woman who fights for her health?  My weakness is great, and if I were to quit today, I think I would be in the same boat as before I started and I SO don't want to be there.  So, here's to another 5 days.  I am praying that in those 5 days, God would do a miracle in my heart and help me to see and desire healthy, disciplined living.  And most importantly, renew my love and desire for Jesus, my savior.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Yesterday, Day 2

I made it through day 2.  It was tough.  More physically than anything.  I have been getting this really bad cramping in my lower back.  I keep thinking it is the toxins, waiting to remove themselves from my body, but I am not sure.  I had to sleep on the couch last night to allow my husband sleep.  I was tossing and turning so badly.  I had a bit of a head ache last night.  I am going to try drinking much more water today than I did yesterday and see if that helps me.  I really want to do this, to clean out my system and learn to have a new relationship with food.  My tongue is grossly white.  That is the toxins being released in my body.  A tongue should be pink in color, I am just learning this.  Wow.  It's gross.  They say that as the cleanse progresses and your body becomes cleaner it will go back to a light pink color.  I didn't realize this before.  Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's been kind of a shocker for me.  It's kind of disturbing!! LOL!

I found myself thinking deeply about food yesterday. Hahaha!  It sounds so funny even admitting and saying that, but yes...that is me.  I tell you, I LOVE FOOD!  and it is evident in my thoughts and in my actions.  Wow... Lord help me to dwell on you today. 

"You were taught regarding your previous habit patterns to put off the old person that you were, who is corrupted by deceitful desires, being rejuvenated in the attitude of your mind, and to put on the new person that you are, who is created in God's likeness with righteousness and holiness that come from truth.."

Lord, take away my old thought patterns, my old way of eating and doing things.  The way I run to food rather than you.  You give me desire to crave, to want, to need, to love, but it is only in YOU that those things are fulfilled and I so often fill it with all the wrong things.  I allow the enemy to convince me of other pleasures that appear at the time more satisfying than you.  But it is not truth.  I believe a lie when I think I will find more satisfaction outside of you.  Help me today, that you be my only desire.  Oh, God. I am so sinful.  I need you so much.  Thank you for your grace and mercy.  Forgive me for not having a heart that earnestly seeks you, a heart that is often divided, and for not loving you more.  For caring more about my own satisfactions than remembering daily what you did on the cross for me.  I NEED YOU!  Amen.

They say that Day 3-4 is the toughest days of this whole thing.  I hope to push through it and that this pain in my back would subside. 

Back at it...But first I must cleanse.

(this was written yesterday, but blogspot wasnt' working so I wasn't able to post)

I don't even know where to begin. I try avoiding this place, but know in my heart that when I am here, writing, somehow there is something that happens inside of me in my heart. It's out there. No hiding. I like to hide. So today, a fresh start. But let me begin first by telling you what has been happening the last couple of weeks.... it hasn't been pretty.

I ran a half marathon!!! Yahoo. Well, I did great leading up to that point and it was a huge accomplishment in my life. I never thought I could finish something like that. I was so proud of myself for finishing something I actually started. THEN, I got LAZY. I felt this high, from finishing and hearing all the compliments of how great I looked. I somehow threw in the towel. I stopped fighting the battle and ate like crazy.

Life happened. I hit a few weeks of some storms in my life that I won't bore you with. But, they were storms and where did I run..? Yep, you guessed it FOOD, not the MOST HIGH God who can satisfy all my needs. I am ashamed to admit it. I succeed, I fail, I succeed, I fail. That has been my pattern for so much of the last few years of my life. I am tired of it. I always go so far, then take so many steps back. We had birthday parties, Easter, mother's day, and other things and I just ate whatever I wanted and then stepped on the scale and saw the reality of those choices. Did I also mention that for almost 2 weeks I didn't exercise at all!? How can someone go from following a healthy path of eating and exercising so well, I mean I was training for a half marathon, to just giving up on it all? I don't understand my sinfulness at times.

It was in this process of recognizing that I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I LOVE food, and it often looks to me like I love it almost more that my God and that is so convicting. I can't believe it. But if I look at my habits and patterns, clearly my actions say that that is true. So, I have decided to do something drastic.


For two days I ate mostly just fruit and veggies, green smoothies, Super food Odwalla drink, and then ate a healthy dinner. Then I started and am on day two of actually cleansing my body, drinking a drink that is rather distasteful in an attempt to rid my body of the many toxins and "junk" that I have put into it. I also hope to gain a new outlook on eating and refocus on being healthy. I lost my determination somehow and let me tell you, I ATE CRAP those last couple of weeks. Embarrassing amounts of junk and ridding it of my body is a good thing. I am not sure what other's think of cleansing, this is my first real one. I will still be getting around 1200-1400 calories a day with the drink. I am nervous about it, but I really felt like God was telling me to do it and rid myself of my dependency of the comfort I get from FOOD and learn to become 100% dependant on God. It will be a process. I plan on journaling here everyday during this cleanse, of course time permitting.

Yesterday was tough. It was day one. I didn't have a headache, those happened the two days prior to starting. It has been 3 full days of no refined sugars! I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could feel my insides doing something. It was very strange. I am hoping it doesn't happen tonight. It was difficult cooking dinner for my kids and getting them their afternoon snack. I usually always "snack" on whatever I am preparing and I didn't even allow myself a taste. It was hard, but I will admit I felt a sense of accomplishment by actually withholding the food from my mouth and sticking to cleansing. It was yesterday afternoon when it was the hardest. I had to take my drink in my hand, stood over the kitchen sink and lifted it to Jesus. Thanking him for health, thanking him for his Grace in my life and asking that He would constantly show me how to turn to him first. It overall was an ok day.

How today goes, I will tell you about tomorrow!!!

Teach me Lord how to live this life eating to live not living to eat! Teach me Lord how to turn to you, to find my fulfillment in you alone. Fill my cravings with you, Oh God and on this journey, please be near to me. I want to change, I long for it. I want to be a woman who inspires health and discipline for your glory and praise. Let my life reflect you, Jesus. Amen.