(this was written yesterday, but blogspot wasnt' working so I wasn't able to post)
I don't even know where to begin. I try avoiding this place, but know in my heart that when I am here, writing, somehow there is something that happens inside of me in my heart. It's out there. No hiding. I like to hide. So today, a fresh start. But let me begin first by telling you what has been happening the last couple of weeks.... it hasn't been pretty.
I ran a half marathon!!! Yahoo. Well, I did great leading up to that point and it was a huge accomplishment in my life. I never thought I could finish something like that. I was so proud of myself for finishing something I actually started. THEN, I got LAZY. I felt this high, from finishing and hearing all the compliments of how great I looked. I somehow threw in the towel. I stopped fighting the battle and ate like crazy.
Life happened. I hit a few weeks of some storms in my life that I won't bore you with. But, they were storms and where did I run..? Yep, you guessed it FOOD, not the MOST HIGH God who can satisfy all my needs. I am ashamed to admit it. I succeed, I fail, I succeed, I fail. That has been my pattern for so much of the last few years of my life. I am tired of it. I always go so far, then take so many steps back. We had birthday parties, Easter, mother's day, and other things and I just ate whatever I wanted and then stepped on the scale and saw the reality of those choices. Did I also mention that for almost 2 weeks I didn't exercise at all!? How can someone go from following a healthy path of eating and exercising so well, I mean I was training for a half marathon, to just giving up on it all? I don't understand my sinfulness at times.
It was in this process of recognizing that I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I LOVE food, and it often looks to me like I love it almost more that my God and that is so convicting. I can't believe it. But if I look at my habits and patterns, clearly my actions say that that is true. So, I have decided to do something drastic.
CLEANSE MY BODY.
For two days I ate mostly just fruit and veggies, green smoothies, Super food Odwalla drink, and then ate a healthy dinner. Then I started and am on day two of actually cleansing my body, drinking a drink that is rather distasteful in an attempt to rid my body of the many toxins and "junk" that I have put into it. I also hope to gain a new outlook on eating and refocus on being healthy. I lost my determination somehow and let me tell you, I ATE CRAP those last couple of weeks. Embarrassing amounts of junk and ridding it of my body is a good thing. I am not sure what other's think of cleansing, this is my first real one. I will still be getting around 1200-1400 calories a day with the drink. I am nervous about it, but I really felt like God was telling me to do it and rid myself of my dependency of the comfort I get from FOOD and learn to become 100% dependant on God. It will be a process. I plan on journaling here everyday during this cleanse, of course time permitting.
Yesterday was tough. It was day one. I didn't have a headache, those happened the two days prior to starting. It has been 3 full days of no refined sugars! I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could feel my insides doing something. It was very strange. I am hoping it doesn't happen tonight. It was difficult cooking dinner for my kids and getting them their afternoon snack. I usually always "snack" on whatever I am preparing and I didn't even allow myself a taste. It was hard, but I will admit I felt a sense of accomplishment by actually withholding the food from my mouth and sticking to cleansing. It was yesterday afternoon when it was the hardest. I had to take my drink in my hand, stood over the kitchen sink and lifted it to Jesus. Thanking him for health, thanking him for his Grace in my life and asking that He would constantly show me how to turn to him first. It overall was an ok day.
How today goes, I will tell you about tomorrow!!!
Teach me Lord how to live this life eating to live not living to eat! Teach me Lord how to turn to you, to find my fulfillment in you alone. Fill my cravings with you, Oh God and on this journey, please be near to me. I want to change, I long for it. I want to be a woman who inspires health and discipline for your glory and praise. Let my life reflect you, Jesus. Amen.