Monday, January 26, 2009

Last week-bummer-this week-better~SMH

So, I gained last week. Maybe it was because of lack of finances. That's the easy thing to blame it on; Eating a lot of breads because it is cheap and pasta because I can make it stretch. But I was so discouraged to see it on the scale. It totally sucks. Oh, well. I am trying hard to not throw in the towel. It will be worth it to keep moving ahead. Discipline sucks, but feels good at the same time. Something about making good choices feels good when you are so used to making bad ones. Maybe it gives me a little sense of accomplishment or even a sense of control over my very uncontrolled life. I don't know. I always thought that the eating, binging, eating whatever sounded good was my sense of control but I am realizing that just as much or even more, when I do make good choices, force myself to go to sleep with a hungry tummy, there is a huge part of me that feels "in control" or accomplished for that day and it feels good.

It is not easy to say the least. As the hubby and I are not getting a long very well right now, life is unbelievably stressful, there are times when I think "why now?" My way of fixing those things and helping me feel better about it has always been eating. I knew this would come, maybe that is why it is a bit easier this time. I knew the hard times would face me, where I would have every excuse in the book to run to food, chocolate, whatever to ease it all. I knew it would suck to start limiting my calories, I knew I would get sick with a cold or something to get me down. It's all little ways the enemy wants to throw my success in the garbage, to make me continue to feel horrible about myself, to make my self confidence diminish, to stop me from becoming who God has called me to be. That is my motivation to keep moving forward.

So, I had a bad week, but if I stay and dwell there I will be in the same boat I was a month ago and the enemy within me will have won. It will take all that much longer to gain control again, to lose the weight, to feel good about myself. I am tired of feeling shitty. I am tired of feeling like a blob. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like the biggest one in the room. I am tired. The only way I can change that is if I change. I am tired of the roller coaster ride. I am tired of always having an excuse. The fact is, is that most of the time I am just super undisciplined and just don't care. I have to change my mind, the way I think. Because at the end of the day, I am tired of not winning this battle and I want to become a winner. Whether it means losing all the weight or not, but to become healthy, to make good choices, to feel good about myself and have the confidence that I need to do what God wants me to do someday, that is when I become a winner.

To become a champion in any event it takes determination and flat out hard work. How bad do I want it? Today, I am tired. Today, I want it and the success that time will bring IF I choose to work hard. Today, I want to break the cycle that we have grown up with in our family. Today I have some fight in me, and by His grace, today I will make it through.

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