Sunday, January 25, 2009

For today - SMM

OK... I'm gonna lay it all out. Be brutally honest. It will not be encouraging - so stop reading now if you want. I am pretty pissed. Pretty fed up. Pretty much ready to throw in the towel and accept the fact that maybe I am not a size 10 like I wish I was. Maybe I like to eat food for comfort. Maybe my husband thinks I am full of excuses and the only way he knows to support me is to remind me of my flaws. Maybe this is just the life I was designed to live. I have tried every method of (f)&(*&*(#) diets! I have once again... dropped a bunch of weight, just to gain it all back. I DID want to stick with it.... somehow I lost ALL momentum and ALL desire.... it's gone. Here I sit, in my fat clothes again.
Hard to stomach. Dont quite get it. I know that if my little sister was able to fit in these pants, and she will, she'd be thrilled. She'd feel a sense of accomplishment. I'd be so proud of her. She'd have succeeded in her goals to a point. So what am I sitting here hating myself for? I am in my mid-30's, have had 4 kids, been married for 15 years. What the hell? I have spent the last 20 + years thinking I am fat. Thinking I suck. Being down on myself for failing miserably at this weight battle.
Honestly - I am sick and tired. This is who I am. I am a little heavy. I should be more active. Am I ugly? Well, I have always thought so. But who is that calling a liar? If I claim to be ugly - then I am saying that my kids, my husband, my sister, my nephews, my friends, my parents... you are all liars! Is that true? No. These are the people who love me and support me. Who I have thought were liars for all these years. Am I lying when I say my sister is beautiful? Not on your life. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. What about her weight? Well, only because I know it's a personal battle for her - do I even give it a second thought. I hope and know she will win this battle..... whatever "winning" looks like. Winning is not always about perfection. Sometimes winning is a matter of perspective. It's a shift in our thinking.
So today, in my fury - in my rage - at the time that has been stolen from me - from the selfishness I have focused on all these years... about how fat I am..... maybe today is a winning day for me. You know what, take it or leave it - but today - this is my fat ass, and I am ok with that. Does that mean I should never try to make better choices? Hell no. I need to make better choices, for myself, not for anyone else. I need to make better choices so that I can be who God created me to be. So, this may be only for today.... but for today - I rock! For today - this is just me! For today, maybe throwing in the towel - is also my way of winning. The more I focus on my need to lose weight, the more I seem to fail. What does all this mean? I have no clue. I am just blowing off steam. Do I feel better? Yes. So, that means I win! LOL. For today....

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