Friday, February 27, 2009
Here we go again....~SMH~
I have battled depression, anxiety for years. I hate the way I feel about myself. I have struggled for so long. I was doing so well, and then I got sick, not only a little cold, but bronchitis, so I couldn't breath when I tried to exercise. This always seems to happen when I start doing good at exercising and eating right. It is so frustrating. It has gone back downhill and I am so frustrated and discouraged by it. It feels hopeless at times. But, I do want to look and feel good. I need to accomplish and fight this battle that I have faced since the beginning of times. I was the "fat" kid in school. Kids on the playground used to run around teasing me. My step mom used to take pictures of me as a child and tell me they were to remind me of how fat I was as a child someday when I am older. Then I went to junior high, started my period, got involved with sports, lost the weight, looked and felt good but always thought I was fat -even on my wedding day when I was between a size 10-12. THEN, I had kids and have gained like crazy since. The battle of getting it off and not having much time or motivation to take care of ME because of having everyone else to take care of has gotten the best of me at times. I have gone through much of my life feeling defeated at every turn, not feeling like I CAN accomplish anything. Feeling like it is out there for everyone else but me. Those are lies. But nonetheless it hurts and I am struggling to get off of that wagon and onto the one again that I was just on of taking it a day at a time, one good decision at a time and moving forward into the goals I have set to lose 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. I don't know how to do it. But I need to do it. I want to do it. "Help me Lord today, to get off of the wagon of self pity and defeat, and gain control once again of the choices I am making and working hard at trying to lose this weight. Help me to get back into the "routine," help me to focus on the goal, help me to be one of the people that actually does it and accomplishes her goals. Help me Lord. I have no strength of my own today to muster up. But, I need to change. Change me Lord, in you name I pray. Amen."