blah, blah, blah

It has been awhile.
No excuses other than laziness.
Nothing has changed.
It has been two months, and not a pound less than what I was 2 months ago.
It sucks.
It is discouraing.
But today is a new day.
I want to lose 50 by December 1st.
That is my new goal.
I CAN do this.
I HAVE to do this.
It sucks, but it is a journey and I am not through with it yet.
So, here's to a new day, a new look, and hopefully a new beginning to seeing the pounds come off.

Something beautiful....

Time goes so fast, somtimes.~SMH

So, I weighed in yesterday fearful of what the scale might say and was surprised to see that it didn't go up at all from my last weigh in way back in February. It encouraged me a little and also made me realize that the only way to lose this weight is by eating differently and exercising. If I don't do those 2 things, I will stay the same. Change won't come. But, if I do do things differently over time, things WILL change. I can get discouraged because once again I am further than what I had wanted to be. By this time, March, I had hoped to be down 20 lbs. It's only been 10. So, my goal of losing 50 by June is looking a bit off, but I am still going to try. Because I live overseas, I don't have the benefits of all those weight loss programs out there to do it; I am having to do it completely on my own. So, I am giving myself a little grace and thankful that I am down at least 10 and hopefully the scale will start showing the numbers dropping again. I am trying, but truly taking it a day at a time. It's taken 8 years to put it all on. I am realizing that in order for it to stay off, I need to do it slowly, make it a lifestyle change and I am OK with that at the end of the day as long as I am progressing and trying. I've worked out the last 2 days again and haven't had the nasty cough to deal with so I am hoping to take a shot at it again. I have goals, and I want to reach them. I want to feel what it feels like to be proud of myself and I want to feel what confidence feels like. In time....But it sure goes fast if I am not careful. This last month flew by and I didn't lose a pound. Every day counts, I don't have much time....

Here we go again....~SMH~

I have battled depression, anxiety for years. I hate the way I feel about myself. I have struggled for so long. I was doing so well, and then I got sick, not only a little cold, but bronchitis, so I couldn't breath when I tried to exercise. This always seems to happen when I start doing good at exercising and eating right. It is so frustrating. It has gone back downhill and I am so frustrated and discouraged by it. It feels hopeless at times. But, I do want to look and feel good. I need to accomplish and fight this battle that I have faced since the beginning of times. I was the "fat" kid in school. Kids on the playground used to run around teasing me. My step mom used to take pictures of me as a child and tell me they were to remind me of how fat I was as a child someday when I am older. Then I went to junior high, started my period, got involved with sports, lost the weight, looked and felt good but always thought I was fat -even on my wedding day when I was between a size 10-12. THEN, I had kids and have gained like crazy since. The battle of getting it off and not having much time or motivation to take care of ME because of having everyone else to take care of has gotten the best of me at times. I have gone through much of my life feeling defeated at every turn, not feeling like I CAN accomplish anything. Feeling like it is out there for everyone else but me. Those are lies. But nonetheless it hurts and I am struggling to get off of that wagon and onto the one again that I was just on of taking it a day at a time, one good decision at a time and moving forward into the goals I have set to lose 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. I don't know how to do it. But I need to do it. I want to do it. "Help me Lord today, to get off of the wagon of self pity and defeat, and gain control once again of the choices I am making and working hard at trying to lose this weight. Help me to get back into the "routine," help me to focus on the goal, help me to be one of the people that actually does it and accomplishes her goals. Help me Lord. I have no strength of my own today to muster up. But, I need to change. Change me Lord, in you name I pray. Amen."

Drawing my strength from the Father.~SMH

I did it. I actually lost weight this week much to my surprise. It is so crazy how much the scale can fluctuate, just two days ago when I weighed I had gained, but when I got up this morning to do my weekly weigh in the numbers were down. I am excited about that and am even more excited that at the end of this week it will be under 200. My hope and prayer is to never ever see that number again.

Today is a tough day, emotionally. I am having to force myself to draw near to the Father for my strength. My understanding is in his word. I long to be closer to him. I am sad and missing my friends and family so much my heart aches, literally. I love my life here for the most part, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my family and friends. It gets hard not having them near, but it keeps me drawn to Jesus, because he is the only one that I can get my comfort from when I feel so alone. He is with me.

I love doing this journey with my sister. It helps me feel closer. It helps me feel connected to someone. So much around me changes daily and the constant things in my life are the Lord; he is unchanging, and my sister's love and friendship. It is irreplaceable and unchanging as well.

Normally when I am feeling down, sad, or even a bit depressed I run to food. So, I am committing today to not run to food. I will run to Him and when I am done posting, I will go for a walk even though I still have this terrible cough. HE is more than enough to satisfy my hungers, needs and desires. HE is all I have! He is my STRENGTH!!!