Here we go again....~SMH~

I have battled depression, anxiety for years. I hate the way I feel about myself. I have struggled for so long. I was doing so well, and then I got sick, not only a little cold, but bronchitis, so I couldn't breath when I tried to exercise. This always seems to happen when I start doing good at exercising and eating right. It is so frustrating. It has gone back downhill and I am so frustrated and discouraged by it. It feels hopeless at times. But, I do want to look and feel good. I need to accomplish and fight this battle that I have faced since the beginning of times. I was the "fat" kid in school. Kids on the playground used to run around teasing me. My step mom used to take pictures of me as a child and tell me they were to remind me of how fat I was as a child someday when I am older. Then I went to junior high, started my period, got involved with sports, lost the weight, looked and felt good but always thought I was fat -even on my wedding day when I was between a size 10-12. THEN, I had kids and have gained like crazy since. The battle of getting it off and not having much time or motivation to take care of ME because of having everyone else to take care of has gotten the best of me at times. I have gone through much of my life feeling defeated at every turn, not feeling like I CAN accomplish anything. Feeling like it is out there for everyone else but me. Those are lies. But nonetheless it hurts and I am struggling to get off of that wagon and onto the one again that I was just on of taking it a day at a time, one good decision at a time and moving forward into the goals I have set to lose 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. I don't know how to do it. But I need to do it. I want to do it. "Help me Lord today, to get off of the wagon of self pity and defeat, and gain control once again of the choices I am making and working hard at trying to lose this weight. Help me to get back into the "routine," help me to focus on the goal, help me to be one of the people that actually does it and accomplishes her goals. Help me Lord. I have no strength of my own today to muster up. But, I need to change. Change me Lord, in you name I pray. Amen."

Drawing my strength from the Father.~SMH

I did it. I actually lost weight this week much to my surprise. It is so crazy how much the scale can fluctuate, just two days ago when I weighed I had gained, but when I got up this morning to do my weekly weigh in the numbers were down. I am excited about that and am even more excited that at the end of this week it will be under 200. My hope and prayer is to never ever see that number again.

Today is a tough day, emotionally. I am having to force myself to draw near to the Father for my strength. My understanding is in his word. I long to be closer to him. I am sad and missing my friends and family so much my heart aches, literally. I love my life here for the most part, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my family and friends. It gets hard not having them near, but it keeps me drawn to Jesus, because he is the only one that I can get my comfort from when I feel so alone. He is with me.

I love doing this journey with my sister. It helps me feel closer. It helps me feel connected to someone. So much around me changes daily and the constant things in my life are the Lord; he is unchanging, and my sister's love and friendship. It is irreplaceable and unchanging as well.

Normally when I am feeling down, sad, or even a bit depressed I run to food. So, I am committing today to not run to food. I will run to Him and when I am done posting, I will go for a walk even though I still have this terrible cough. HE is more than enough to satisfy my hungers, needs and desires. HE is all I have! He is my STRENGTH!!!

Grateful ~ SMM

Today I am grateful... for so many things.
1. I heard the Lord's voice and answered the quiet voice that is always drawing me back to Him.
2. I feel like a lump of clay in the potter's hand, and I am thankful that the process of change is happening in my heart.
3. People that love me... just how I am.
4. There is a path of recovery that many people have taken before me, and successfully... that I dont have to reinvent the wheel, but I do have to do the hard work.
5. That I am exactly where God wants me for today.
6. That my sister re-discovered her spiritual voice, atleast the one that I can hear.
7. That my kids and my husband are healthy and vibrant and a gift to me.

I could keep going but it would amount to listing things like air, water, music.... all of the sudden, my eyes are awakened to the beauty and gifts that surround me. I love it when Jesus puts those kind of glasses on my eyes, a mere glimpse of seeing the way that he sees.

I have an addiction... an addiction to unhealthy relationships: where I seek validation and approval. I have an addiction to food... where I go to comfort my heart, my loneliness, my pain - that comes from seeking everything except God. I have a Habit, that could potentially lead to addiction if I dont treat it seriously... and that is to alcohol. It is a quick and fun escape. The problem is that the more I have, the more I crave, the more I eat and throw caution to the wind, the more and more I disconnect and check out, and the further I get from God. So, for TODAY, I have victory and the Lord is my strength. Healing these addictions, and giving them over to Him, admitting that I truly am powerless over them.... that is the first step to my recovery. It's the choice in the fight or flight reaction that all humans have. Today I have chosen to fight... and only because my father has reminded me that the fight, however tough it is, is worth it... especially when He is in charge.

PMS

It doesn't help being sick and having PMS AND trying to lose weight. I want to eat everything and my tummy doesn't feel satisfied most of the time! I still haven't been able to work out because of my cough, it's pretty awful. I haven't given up or lost hope, just having one of those weeks that seems to keep going and going the wrong direction. I ate too much this week. I am sure it will show on the scales on Monday. It sucks. I am frustrated. It seems that every time I get focused and start seeing success something gets in the way. There is always a new mountain to climb or giant to face. It isn't easy, this journey to weight loss and healthy living. I am used to eating when I want-what I want. Changing that, isn't the easiest and it has been many years of living that way. I am being patient with myself, but I don't want to get out of my routine. I don't want to throw it all away because I haven't seen the results that I long for right now. I wanted to be down more by this day, but life and lack of discipline has gotten in the way. It's a crazy journey. It's a hard one. But addictions are a battle to overcome, any one of them, mine just happens to be be food, something that you HAVE to have to survive. Finding the balance of having to eat and wanting to eat to fulfill things in me is the tough part. I am praying for His grace to learn and to fight the addiction of running to food. So, here's to PMS and all the cravings and emotions that come with it! I am learning and having to change. I WON'T GIVE UP!!!

A quote...

I don't remember where I read this, but it has stuck in my head for the last couple of years and although it hasn't helped me in the past, it is helping me now. I think about summer being a few months away, short season coming, tank tops, my arms, my belly and me in a swimsuit. This quote reminds me to stay on track....May it help you too.

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."~Unknown.