Overcoming Weight...One day at a time.

I've been hacked

2012-01-10T12:02:00.001-08:00

Please don't open any messages that were sent out by me without a subject. They were not from me! So sorry.

2012-01-10T04:05:00.001-08:00

<a name="sajexpjssr" title="" href="http://rpsolutions2.com/bu/work.php?about164.php">http://rpsolutions2.com/bu/work.php?about164.php</a>

Planning...or lack thereof!

2012-01-09T08:04:00.001-08:00

Had kind of an ok week. It had some rough patches, but I made it through and I have to admit I didn't do very well. Lacking a plan is not a good thing for me. I get up each day saying I am going to eat good today, without a plan of what that good food is going to be! and so I end up doing just that, eating GOOD food, not good for you food! HA! So I think I am realizing my need to get it together and take the time to plan out some good wholesome meals and plan out my workouts ahead of schedule. I worked out 3 times this last week and spent one whole day cleaning, so I count that as a day too! ;) So, I am making little changes, but I don't think they are big enough to really make a difference. All my pants are not fitting very well these days which to be honest is such a wake up call. Lord, help me today. I am an overcomer and I can do this. Help me to plan and think before I eat. Amen.

Weighin' In

2012-01-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

So I got up this morning to hit the dreaded scale! I an UP which I knew I would be. It sucks. I feel so awful about it. I ran 2 half marathons this year and still cannot manage my weight. I lack some serious self control when it comes to eating. I weighed in today at 187.8. For the last two years, well actually 3, since 2009 I haven't been able to get out of the 180's. (You can look at my weights under the tab) What a reality check. If I am honest with myself I think I go back and forth being comfortable in that weight range...meaning I get down to the low 180's start feeling good, gorge myself again until I am up and then do it all over again. I got up and sought the Lord this morning. That is what my change will have to be. I have to include Him in this journey. I pray that I overcome. I pray that I have the strength to get down to 155 this year and stay there. I pray that I have the ability to really truly desire health. That I begin to learn how to eat healthy and make the right choices with my foods. I pray that this addiction would not longer be an addiction. I pray that I would be set free from my temptation to get my "feel good" fix from food. I pray that my mind would learn to be clear and focused. I long to be a woman of self discipline, in all areas of my life. Lord Jesus, please help me. Guide me, be my wisdom and show me when I am being tempted. Reveal to me my sinfulness, my selfishness,the ways I turn to food rather than to you. Amen.

2012

2012-01-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Well, it's a new year, a new day. I don't like New Year's resolutions that much at all, especially ones that year after year I fail at. But, what the heck. It is a new day and I get a fresh new start each day.

I have failed miserably at this journey of weight loss. I have given up and given in too many times to count. I get comfortable and then complacent and then quit all together. That's my journey. That's what I have done year after year. What makes 2012 any different?

I am hoping and praying that the difference maker for me this year is complete and utter dependence upon God and his strength alone. It is so dreadfully obvious that this battle at weight loss isn't something I can kick on my own strength. I mean, I can conquer it for a season and have little victories here and there, but it hasn't been something I have kicked all together. I recently read something that said sugar/food addicts have a similar dependency on food like opium has to an addict. OUCH. For some reason that is hitting me hard this year. As I finish up all the holiday festivities and eating binges I realize all too well that this whole sugar addiction is real. My body and my mind CRAVE it like no tomorrow and my need for it doesn't go away until I satisfy the craving. Isn't that truly what drugs do?

Anyways, saying all that to say I want a fresh start. I WANT to change. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to live a fulfilling life and I want to have energy and feel good. None of that comes from eating crap.

So, again...I begin afresh and new. Tomorrow is a new day. It isn't a Monday, which I constantly keep saying "I will start next monday." and that next Monday keeps going by. So, maybe by starting tomorrow, on a Tuesday something different will trigger in my mind and body. I know what I need to do. My last successes came because I had a group that I was accountable to and a friend who helped me along the way. This time I am doing it alone, just me and my God. I want to overcome because HE has given me victory, because I know who I am in HIM, not only because friends around me are succeeding and pushing me to succeed. That is great and all, but this year, this time, I really feel that it is something I have to do between me and Jesus. I foresee the next couple of weeks being somewhat really challenging. Coming off of a high is never easy or pleasing. So, to forewarn you on here, I may come across a little B@*%^Y sometimes, but it is just to keep it real for me.

So, here's to 2012. I hope at the end of it I will be able to tell you I have gained victory in the area of eating and weight loss. I hope to be able to say I am fit, active, energetic, happy, and confident. Not because I did something miraculous myself, but because I added Christ to the equation. I long to be completely satisfied in Him and to know Him intimately. I long to see this area of my life as sin, and to truly repent of it (I go to food for pleasure and comfort, to me that is an area of sin that I do know the Lord has convicted me of) and I need to change. Tomorrow I will weigh in and hopefully keep better about writing in this this year!

Day 5

2011-05-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went a little better. Not AS tempted by the foods and smells around me. I found myself going to the bathroom a lot ;-) which is good, that means I am cleansing. It's working. But it isn't very fun if you are running errands and a bathroom isn't very close! Hahaha! I had a head ache toward the later end of the day and found that I had to drink a lot more yesterday to feel full at all. I was surprisingly very hungry at times. You'd think by day 5 my system would be a little more used to it, but sadly it isn't. I still want to eat, I am still craving crap. Mainly just the way it feels in my mouth for my taste buds. I don't feel the NEED to eat it, just wanting it. Praying that would change by the end of this. It would be so sad to go through all of this just to go back to the way I was eating prior. I also found that I got dizzy a couple of times, which again, meant I needed to drink more of my drink. So, that's about it. Oh, and yea, I was pretty grumpy. That's never fun. Especially for the little ones in my life.

Cleanse: Day 3 & 4

2011-05-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

Oh my. This is tough stuff. Not easy at all. The last two days, mainly today, have been really hard. I feel weak today, and a headache. First time really. I was a lot busier and running around. We took the kids to Taco Bell yesterday-we forgot about dinner since we were cleansing. I know horrible mom. But oh my word, the smell in the car was about to send me flying straight through the drive through window and find myself eating every burrito that was being prepared, and I don't even like Taco Bell all that much. Then today, it was the infamous Costco run and you know those terrible Costco Dogs. Yep, had to get those for my kids too. And could I just say, I really wanted to eat all three of them! IKES! They haven't been eating the best this weekend. During the first couple days of the cleanse I actually found myself more consciousness than ever about what they were eating. But that went out the door this last two days as preparing food would be so tempting for me. I went to my mom's tonight after church and she had pizza laying on the counter. A 5 meat combo that looked and smelled delicious. OH MY...

Then in my struggle, I am reminded why I am doing this. God has been so good to me the last couple of days and I don't know what it is about being in a fasted state that makes you feel so much closer or needier of God. But I have felt a hunger for him that is starting to get deeper and deeper. I have been so complacent the last few years of my life and I truly desire from the core of my being that at the end of this cleanse, I would experience true break through in not only my eating habits but in my spiritual life. I know he created me for so much more than I am doing, but I need to start growing more in him. That is the sweetness of being without food I guess. I recognize how much more I need him. How much closer I long to be to Him. I am so distracted the majority of the time, and it is only by his grace that I am actually able to do this crazy thing that I am doing.

It will be day 5 tomorrow.

Today I felt at times ready to quit. I so badly just wanted a taste of the foods that were around me, staring at me. It was kind of a discouraging day in that sense. I felt a lot weaker, tired, and super hungry. Today I struggled also with a lot of fear. Here I am cleansing my body, still being tempted with the crappy food that I want so badly to eat, what will happen when I come off of it? Will I gravitate towards eating or tasting, all the delicious crap foods that I have been filling my life with? Or, will I have the strength and DESIRE to eat healthy? To be a disciplined woman who fights for her health? My weakness is great, and if I were to quit today, I think I would be in the same boat as before I started and I SO don't want to be there. So, here's to another 5 days. I am praying that in those 5 days, God would do a miracle in my heart and help me to see and desire healthy, disciplined living. And most importantly, renew my love and desire for Jesus, my savior.

Yesterday, Day 2

2011-05-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

I made it through day 2. It was tough. More physically than anything. I have been getting this really bad cramping in my lower back. I keep thinking it is the toxins, waiting to remove themselves from my body, but I am not sure. I had to sleep on the couch last night to allow my husband sleep. I was tossing and turning so badly. I had a bit of a head ache last night. I am going to try drinking much more water today than I did yesterday and see if that helps me. I really want to do this, to clean out my system and learn to have a new relationship with food. My tongue is grossly white. That is the toxins being released in my body. A tongue should be pink in color, I am just learning this. Wow. It's gross. They say that as the cleanse progresses and your body becomes cleaner it will go back to a light pink color. I didn't realize this before. Sorry if this grosses you out, but it's been kind of a shocker for me. It's kind of disturbing!! LOL!

I found myself thinking deeply about food yesterday. Hahaha! It sounds so funny even admitting and saying that, but yes...that is me. I tell you, I LOVE FOOD! and it is evident in my thoughts and in my actions. Wow... Lord help me to dwell on you today.

EPHESIANS 4:22-24
"You were taught regarding your previous habit patterns to put off the old person that you were, who is corrupted by deceitful desires, being rejuvenated in the attitude of your mind, and to put on the new person that you are, who is created in God's likeness with righteousness and holiness that come from truth.."

Lord, take away my old thought patterns, my old way of eating and doing things. The way I run to food rather than you. You give me desire to crave, to want, to need, to love, but it is only in YOU that those things are fulfilled and I so often fill it with all the wrong things. I allow the enemy to convince me of other pleasures that appear at the time more satisfying than you. But it is not truth. I believe a lie when I think I will find more satisfaction outside of you. Help me today, that you be my only desire. Oh, God. I am so sinful. I need you so much. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Forgive me for not having a heart that earnestly seeks you, a heart that is often divided, and for not loving you more. For caring more about my own satisfactions than remembering daily what you did on the cross for me. I NEED YOU! Amen.

They say that Day 3-4 is the toughest days of this whole thing. I hope to push through it and that this pain in my back would subside.

Back at it...But first I must cleanse.

2011-05-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

(this was written yesterday, but blogspot wasnt' working so I wasn't able to post)

I don't even know where to begin. I try avoiding this place, but know in my heart that when I am here, writing, somehow there is something that happens inside of me in my heart. It's out there. No hiding. I like to hide. So today, a fresh start. But let me begin first by telling you what has been happening the last couple of weeks.... it hasn't been pretty.

I ran a half marathon!!! Yahoo. Well, I did great leading up to that point and it was a huge accomplishment in my life. I never thought I could finish something like that. I was so proud of myself for finishing something I actually started. THEN, I got LAZY. I felt this high, from finishing and hearing all the compliments of how great I looked. I somehow threw in the towel. I stopped fighting the battle and ate like crazy.

Life happened. I hit a few weeks of some storms in my life that I won't bore you with. But, they were storms and where did I run..? Yep, you guessed it FOOD, not the MOST HIGH God who can satisfy all my needs. I am ashamed to admit it. I succeed, I fail, I succeed, I fail. That has been my pattern for so much of the last few years of my life. I am tired of it. I always go so far, then take so many steps back. We had birthday parties, Easter, mother's day, and other things and I just ate whatever I wanted and then stepped on the scale and saw the reality of those choices. Did I also mention that for almost 2 weeks I didn't exercise at all!? How can someone go from following a healthy path of eating and exercising so well, I mean I was training for a half marathon, to just giving up on it all? I don't understand my sinfulness at times.

It was in this process of recognizing that I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I LOVE food, and it often looks to me like I love it almost more that my God and that is so convicting. I can't believe it. But if I look at my habits and patterns, clearly my actions say that that is true. So, I have decided to do something drastic.

CLEANSE MY BODY.

For two days I ate mostly just fruit and veggies, green smoothies, Super food Odwalla drink, and then ate a healthy dinner. Then I started and am on day two of actually cleansing my body, drinking a drink that is rather distasteful in an attempt to rid my body of the many toxins and "junk" that I have put into it. I also hope to gain a new outlook on eating and refocus on being healthy. I lost my determination somehow and let me tell you, I ATE CRAP those last couple of weeks. Embarrassing amounts of junk and ridding it of my body is a good thing. I am not sure what other's think of cleansing, this is my first real one. I will still be getting around 1200-1400 calories a day with the drink. I am nervous about it, but I really felt like God was telling me to do it and rid myself of my dependency of the comfort I get from FOOD and learn to become 100% dependant on God. It will be a process. I plan on journaling here everyday during this cleanse, of course time permitting.

Yesterday was tough. It was day one. I didn't have a headache, those happened the two days prior to starting. It has been 3 full days of no refined sugars! I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could feel my insides doing something. It was very strange. I am hoping it doesn't happen tonight. It was difficult cooking dinner for my kids and getting them their afternoon snack. I usually always "snack" on whatever I am preparing and I didn't even allow myself a taste. It was hard, but I will admit I felt a sense of accomplishment by actually withholding the food from my mouth and sticking to cleansing. It was yesterday afternoon when it was the hardest. I had to take my drink in my hand, stood over the kitchen sink and lifted it to Jesus. Thanking him for health, thanking him for his Grace in my life and asking that He would constantly show me how to turn to him first. It overall was an ok day.

How today goes, I will tell you about tomorrow!!!

Teach me Lord how to live this life eating to live not living to eat! Teach me Lord how to turn to you, to find my fulfillment in you alone. Fill my cravings with you, Oh God and on this journey, please be near to me. I want to change, I long for it. I want to be a woman who inspires health and discipline for your glory and praise. Let my life reflect you, Jesus. Amen.

GREEN TEA and confession time.

2011-04-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am going to get back into drinking my green tea! I used to drink it all the time when I was first beginning my diet and exercise routine when I lived overseas. I would brew it in a large pitcher, then refrigerate it and drink it through the entire day in addition to my water. I moved back to the states, got lazy again, started my daily latte habit and realized for some reason when I drink coffee, especially lattes' it is harder for me to lose weight. It's been a few weeks now that I have given up on my need for lattes and coffee and have been drinking green tea, but just not consistently! I was reminded today at Peak313 Fitness of the benefits of green tea and being that it's week 3's challenge, I think I will start it up again. Get my metabolism going a little bit more and see if it will help me!

And I need all the help I can get! I had a very frustrating week. Probably PMS, but still I felt ravenous in my eating habits. I was never quite satisfied and craved sugar like there was no tomorrow! UGH. It was so frustrating and I feel horrible caving into those weak areas of my life. I have my group of girls that get together for accountability and I feel like I let them down in someway. I just didn't care. I know, it was only one week, but it truly sucked. I feel like I do a lot of saying, "this week I am getting back on track" so I even hate to let those words come out, but I really feel like that is what I am going to do. I ran 4 miles yesterday and ate ok overall. I did cave at a point and had a chocolate chip cookie. My hope is that today I can be strong enough to not even go after that cookie!

I don't completely understand this journey. How to include God into the process of eating. Seeing it as sinful, for me, to indulge is sinful. I know my heart. It's complicated though when I eat to eat and I am not feeling a certain way; stressed, anxious, depressed etc. and still overeat just to eat. I don't quite get that. Why do I allow myself to sabotage the efforts that I have put in? I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and I pray that in this upcoming year that it would change. I can't rid it from my life, but I pray that I would truly learn to EAT to LIVE not live to eat! I have so much work to be done in my heart! It's my battle. I will be an OVER COMER by the blood of the lamb!

Jesus, be my strength and be my portion today. Help me to see my sinfulness, help me to repent and to turn. I have replaced you so many times in my life with food. Quicken me today, to help me see those times, those habits and patterns that I have created that are not a benefit to my life. Show me when I am wrong, show me when I am eating just to eat, convict me when I am not eating something beneficial to my body. And help me to truly crave and desire more of you in my life. Jesus, I NEED YOU! Nothing else, only YOU! Fill me today, I pray. Amen.

Quinoa Challenge

2011-04-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have been reading this blog called Peak313Fitness. It seems to be good timing that I clicked on it this morning. I met with a friend yesterday and talked about the discouraged feelings I had because I have kind of hit a wall. I did this trying to get under 200 lbs. It seemed to take me forever to break that barrier when I had tried. I did it, but I really had to change things up a bit. Now, I am having a really hard time getting out of the 180's. Another wall. UGH. But I was talking to her about feeling like I needed to change things up again and do something different, but I wasn't sure what it was. She gave me some great ideas, and then I clicked on Peak313Fitness this morning and feel like I got another great idea from Clare.

This week she is challenging her readers to start the day off eating Quinoa. I have been looking for ways to change up what I am doing because I have not lost much weight in weeks and have seemed to hit a plateau. I really like this idea. It's packed with protein and good stuff for you. Hopefully it will be filling and help me get my day off to a full great start. I like learning new ideas. I need to mix things up a bit and hopefully this will help. Click on the link above to get a better idea and more details to the benefits of Quinoa!

The Naked Truth

2011-04-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

I find myself often WANTING to write. But then stop myself as if nothing important will come. I don't know why it is that I fear what people think. That I won't have more to say. Something profound. Something deep. Keeping myself anonymous. Maybe one day I will get over this fear. I pray I do. I don't understand it completely. I want to write freely. Journal. But, I also don't want it to be revealed how weak I truly am. How often I truly depend on myself rather than God. How much I focus on my little world, rather than His world. It is true, and it is a painful reality.

I have been so challenged lately to be a woman who really knows and lives the word of truth. Who intimately knows Jesus and loves him and longs for him. That I would truly be a woman who finds it far more important to be in communion with him rather than focused on the next piece of food that enters my mouth.

You see, long before the food of choice enters my mouth, it enters my mind. I have this horrible habit of preparing ahead of time all the unhealthy choices in my head. I love the taste of food that is not beneficial to my body. I love the thought of eating it. OH..the chocolate chip cookies. It consumes my thoughts, especially if I am trying to avoid it and be healthy for the day. I will create excuses or reasons in my head why I need to go to certain grocery stores just because I know which ones offer the best bakery cookies I crave. That is the naked truth. I will go out of my way to satisfy the food craving.

I long to do that with the king. I was challenged deeply with scripture the other day. I think about food ALL the time. Whether it is dwelling on what meal to make next for my family, or what I crave, or what I shouldn't be eating, it is always haunting my mind.

And then i came across this scripture. Romans 8:5 "For those who live according to the flesh, set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit."

The word is telling me to set my mind on the things of the Spirit. I have been living according to the flesh! Ouch! I need to get control of my mind and my thoughts and focus them on the truths of scripture and what it says about me. My weakness is great. But truly I desire to be a woman of change, a woman of joy, a woman who is after the kings heart, a woman of noble character, a woman who is disciplined and self controlled, a woman with peace and strength, a woman who is Godly in all ways. Not to bring glory to myself, but to bring glory to the most high-the king of kings! He has redeemed my life from the pit. He DIED for me. He stood in my place. I want Him to receive the glory and honor that is due!

I am considering going on a cleanse/fast and I am scared out of my mind to do it. I haven't fasted, truly fasted from anything since I was pregnant with my firstborn. That's 11 years ago. But, after this last week I have realized just how utterly dependent upon food that I am for so many areas of my life. Be it boredom, stress, joy, depression, anxiety, comfort, etc. I run to food. I am so challenged to learn to run to God. To satisfy my desires with Him. To crave Him. And with Easter approaching it seems fitting to get my heart right and learn how to truly depend on Him. If I CAN'T run to food, what will I be forced to do? My relationship with food is unhealthy. It has control over me. I want to rid myself of it's power and fasting and cleansing myself of all the toxins may begin the next stage of my journey. I am praying about it. I wouldn't be doing it to lose weight. I would be doing it because I realize just how stinking much I think, need, want, crave food more than God and I need to get my heart right. If I remove it completely, maybe He can grab a hold of my heart just a little more. Maybe I will learn to depend on God in new ways, maybe the negative relationship I have with food won't have it's hold on my life like it has. I don't know. I am praying about it. I am scared about doing it, because I am a grump when I am hungry or don't get what I want. But, I want God to grab a hold of my heart. I NEED HIM DESPERATELY!

2011-04-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since writing. I am not good at this blog thing and keeping up on it.

I met with the girls last night. My accountability group. The girls who keep me on my toes, who are in this struggle with me and understand it completely. We get together, do a book study, talk, discuss our weights, etc. It's really good and refreshing for me meeting with them. It's a reminder that this is a battle, and not to give up and stop fighting. I am surely not on a diet, but a spiritual journey. I was reminded last night that it's a spiritual commitment, not a diet. A commitment that I want to learn to glorify God in. It gets hard trying to figure it out at times. I mean, glorifying God in WHAT WE EAT? Seriously? YES! For, someone like me who has turned to food all her life as a means to comfort, entertain, ease, etc...it has always been about running to the comfort that food brings rather than running to the throne of Grace and true comfort. All I can say is I am learning. It is definitely a journey, and I fail almost every day in some way or another. But, I long to be more like Jesus, and if it means that he is doing some refining and awakening in my soul to get me there, I will go through this process to learn, to be humble, and to grow more in Him.

I am running a half marathon on Sunday!!! It's my first one ever. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and if I think about it too hard I literally get an upset tummy! I have been training for it though. I know I am prepared as much as I can be, and it will be ok. It's a HUGE accomplishment for me. Just a few months ago it killed me to run 6 miles. So the fact that I am and can do twice that much is so exciting for me. When I was even in my best shape of my life in high school, I couldn't run that far!

I haven't been keeping track of the number on the scale. I took a break from it. I get so upset or excited all based on what the number is and it was just too consuming. I plan on weighing again after my big run!

Well, that is the latest in my world. Still in this, still in this fight, still wresting thoughts and temptations to eat non nourishing foods, daily. Some days are great, other days I give in. I am pushing through. Not giving up and still hoping to be at my goal weight by the end of July!

Thursday's Thoughts

2011-02-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

Today I reflect on my week.

I want to eat so much. So much junk. I crave chocolate, brownies, cookies, ice cream, all that is sweet and satisfying.

I get caught in the battle and don't know how to keep moving forward. How to be hungry? How to deprive? How to make good choices? How to crave healthy choices? Ultimately how to allow God to fill me more?

I have worked out hard this week. A feeling of accomplishment around me in that area, but then I look down, when seated, and see the huge roll hanging over my pants. Is it worth all this work? To not see the pounds dropping? Friends around me, in the same struggle, dropping sizes, pounds, inches..and me, well there just doesn't seem to be the same results.

What needs to change? Will this weight EVER come off? Will I ever be at my goal weight of 155? Is that even possible for someone like me?

It's so hard today. To not get caught up in discouragement. After all, I did a kick butt workout this morning with Bob and Jillian on DVD and should be feeling great! I was sweating hard. It was dripping off my body. I ate a great healthy breakfast and lunch. Why still plagued with discouragement? I don't always understand it. I don't get it. I really don't. I need to.

What I need to understand is that this process needs to be more about who I am in Christ rather than who I am in clothes, or no clothes and a certain size. But, it's so consuming. Thinking that way. Trying to learn to focus this journey about Christ -well it isn't always very easy.

I do believe one day I will be at my goal weight. But, it will be when I stop trying to please myself and stop trying to get approval from those around me. You know, all the "wow, you look so great! What have you been doing?" comments. Yea, I seem to value those a little more than I value the way my father looks at me. I know, pretty shallow. But for me, I do believe that one day, when I get my focus right, my pride gone, and trust...trust in the power of the cross, then it will click and it will happen.

Such is the journey. A journey means: process of development: a gradual passing from one state to another regarded as more advanced, e.g. from innocence to mature awareness. I need to get to that mature awareness. It is coming.

I am excited to start my book study, MADE TO CRAVE. I am excited to get rooted in the word, to be challenged with the way I think. To begin to look at this journey through the eyes of Jesus and what He thinks rather than my own opinions, desires, struggles, and joys. I want to glorify Him! I know she will have a lot of tools in her book to help me and to set my focus on the right things.

But, as of today, I have to admit discouragement is following me. I need to recognize and learn to be thankful for the so many blessings I have in my life. Lord, Help me to focus on the thousand tiny little blessings in my life and let my discouragement be replaced with joy! For I do have so much to be grateful for and this journey is not complete. I am in process, I am working hard, and I am not giving up!

Feeling Guilty

2011-02-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

Yes. It feels horrible, but I do feel guilty about the food choices of yesterday and the day before. No self control and really if I am brutally honest, not even a desire to make the right choices. Just a "who cares" attitude. It's so wrong. And the scale will prove it. I don't even want to write what I weighed this morning, but I guess I should just to face it. 189. I don't get it really. It is not like I have been eating bad all week. I have even been working out, but for some reason that stupid scale keeps going up.

My confession is that yesterday, despite the voices in my head and heart telling me, rather shouting to me, NO...I wanted chocolate chip cookies. I drove to the store, bought some veggies that I would need the rest of the week, wandered over to the bakery and yes, grabbed two large chocolate chip cookies and downed them on the way home. Yes, I loved the taste, but the feeling afterward-so not worth it. Really sucks. The really bad thing is that the whole time I knew it was wrong. I knew that the Lord didn't want me to do it, but in that moment I really didn't care. That was my attitude. Such sinfulness in my heart that I would willingly turn away from God in the moment of temptation.

I can say it was a bit of a wake up call. A reality check that I still have not arrived and that I am still so very tempted to indulge in the stuff that I crave more at times than I crave God. Not a good place to be. Feeling discouraged, a bit depressed, but when I get done writing this, I will be hitting the treadmill and starting over. Today is a new day. My eating choices need to change, the amount I consume needs to change, but ultimately my heart and the voices in my head need to change. I need to be consumed with truth, with the word of God, with his thoughts towards me.

Slowly, very slowly I am getting it. I have far to go. But it is happening.

2011-02-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

I have been at the computer for a bit this morning catching up on all of my favorite blogs. I want to make mine look nice and be more. I waste too much time though. I still need to exercise, go to the store, get my mom a valentine, and yet here I am at the computer.

I had an ok week. To be honest it was tiring. My motivation for exercising has lessened even though I am still running. I think I go in phases. I know that once I get out there and do something I will feel better, but just doing it takes way more effort that it used to ( two weeks ago) haha! It's good to write because then I can see for myself how up and down I am. I can see patterns that plague me. Yea, I must be pmsing...I feelthis way about once a month. I need to remind myself of that today. I may not feel like doing what I know I need to do, I just need to do it without thinking about it. Does that make sense? OK, glad.

Eating wasn't so great. My man and I went out on Saturday night, and I overstuffed myself with food that night. Then the next morning we had some company over and had a huge breakfast. I started out making good choices then my mid afternoon I just gave in. I really need to grow in this area. I want to be a woman who is disciplined. That values her life and what goes into her body. Not just what I think tastes good and satisfying. Usually, it just leaves me feeling miserable.

Well, it's a new week. I weighed in this morning at 187.2. I am going to try really hard this week to see that number go down to at least 185. I don't want to set myself up for failure, but man, I really would like to be in the low 180's for once. I get stuck and have been stuck for weeks now. That means something in my eating needs to changed. I HATE change. I want to eat what I want when I want and I don't want to feel hungry at all. However, the reality is, that if I don't I will only continue to see results that leave me feeling like a failure. It takes work. HARD WORK! I don't like it. But, I need it.

Lord, I pray that you would help me today to make good choices for me. That you would pour out your grace upon my life and show me your mercy. Give me the tools I need to make choices that glorify you. I want to live my life for you, to love you more than I love the comforts of food. It is not an easy one to break, running to food for all sorts of things. My idol. I pray you'd help it to come crushing down, that you would convict me when I choose something else over you and that in the process you'd draw my heart closer and closer to yours. amen.

Saturday Confession

2011-02-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

I stood at a small little shop yesterday as my kids got to pick out a little treat.

I paced up and down the candy bar isle...grabbing this one, and that on and reading the nutrition on the back.

I love peanut butter and chocolate together and there is a new peanut butter snickers that I have been dying to try. I grabbed it, certain that I was going to get it, after all I hadn't had a candy bar in a long time. Then I read the nutrition, 250 cals for two little scares of delight. Worth it or not?

I prayed, Lord please take this craving away.

I set it down and then looked at the York patties and a few others. I wish I could say I was strong enough that I didn't buy anything. But, I did make a better choice. I bought a dark chocolate bar and ate only two scares from it. After all, dark chocolate does have antioxidants and I knew that two small squares would satisfy the craving I had for chocolate, and it did! However, I am still having to learn that when I crave something like that, why I am craving it and do I NEED it. I don't think I always do and part of my sinfulness is running again and again to my cravings for yummy tasting stuff rather than to my God.

Sometimes this battle with weight and the scale seems unending and it probably always be. It was a mentally discouraging week for me. My mind wasn't strong and I was consumed with the fact that last Monday the scale went back up to 188. I just couldn't shake it. I've been trying so hard and to think that MORE effort is going to be what it takes to keep dropping numbers seems a daunting task. I am trying hard to remind myself that this journey is long, that the number isn't what it is about. That for me, it is about getting healthy so I can life a full long life and most importantly for me, that I can learn to glorify God with the choices I make about food.

Frustrated

2011-02-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

Yea, that's me. FRUSTRATED. No weight loss this week on the scale and I honestly have no idea why. It actually went up. Pretty bummed about it, but have to remember that it isn't in the number right? It's a journey to getting healthy and as long as I am learning to make good choices that is what is important. Easier said than done...

My week

2011-02-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a good week other than the fact that I have been sick.

I have got to learn how to manage life when things get more complicated or my schedule doesn't work as planned. I did great last week, eating, working out, seemed to flow so smoothly.

Then this week hit, two days with sick kids home= me not working out. THEN, I get sick=not working out. My rhythm has been interrupted and it gets frustrating and discouraging how to navigate. I haven't given up though. I am still pushin through and hopefully health will be my friend again next week. Because I do not like it when my plans don't work out accordingly.

In the past, I would have thrown the towel in and given up completely. I would have allowed myself to indulge in the foods I love and crave because "it was out of my control" however, that is not truth. Truth is that I DO have control over what gets put into this chicks mouth. I may not have control over sickness, health, work out schedules all the time, but the one thing I do have control over is what I allow to enter this body. And I am proudly telling you that I did good for the most part. I did eat like 6 small chocolates one day while preparing the kids Valentine for their teachers. BUT, I STOPPED at 6! Before, I would have just kept on going. But, I did think about those chocolates all day long...and had to remind myself to think on Jesus. He is truly what my soul craves more of. I am learning this.

I told you I was reading a new book. Made to Crave. I just started it and she says something in it that really sums things up for me..

"Honestly, I am made for more than a vicious cycle of eating, gaining, stressing-eating, gaining stressing...I am made to rise up, do battle with my issues and, using the Lord's strength in me, defeat them-spiritually, physically, and mentally-to the glory of God."

I love that! That is so true. And slowly, I am learning it.

After looking back at all my weights I am glad to say that it's been a slow and steady journey down. This last year I actually got back up to 199 and that's when I began to panic. I had honestly worked so hard to get under the 200lb. mark and the fact that it was staring so closely at me was scary. That for me is really when my heart was having to be dealt with and God began to grab hold of me. I didn't want to keep dieting. I wanted to grow closer to Him and not go to food to fill every emotion that I was feeling. I wanted Him to fill it. It's still a daily struggle, but something that I am so thankful for because in realizing this truth, I really feel that I am on the way to truly being an over comer.

Updating

2011-02-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

It is now February of 2011. It has been awhile since posting, but I am now trying hard to keep up on it.

I have been meeting with 3 other women on a consistent basis. We all struggle with food, overeating, and the addiction that it is. We just finished a great book Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the Bondage of Destructive Eating Habits, By Elyse Fitzpatrick. http://www.shop.elysefitzpatrick.com/Love-to-Eat-Hate-to-Eat-LEHE-BK.htm .It is a great book and really took me to a new place when I look at this journey to lose weigth. It isn't so much about losing weight, although that is the natural benefit. It's that I always put food before God and that becomes my idol. When I am stressed, happy, sad, anxious, bored, tired, etc. the first thing I want to do is eat, not run to the King of Kings and be filled with Him. This book addresses this issue and it is so good. Very hard at times, but also very good for someone like me, who depends on the comfort that food brings. It was really never meant to do that for me. Food is for fuel, nutrition. It's meant to keep me going, to keep me living. It's supposed to be enjoyed, but not over indulged. We are next moving onto a new book and study. Made to Crave, By Lysa Terkeurst (madetocrave.org). Check it out. It's good stuff!

Anyways, I have come to realize more and more that this journey to weight loss isn't about numbers and pounds shed. It's about becoming intimately close to Jesus and learning to run to Him when I feel the need to over stuff. It's a journey of making the right choices. Taking on life and going to the cross when it gets difficult and not just about bending the elbow to stuff food in my mouth. I know that sounds kind of funny, but for a girl like me. It's my addiction. This thing called Food. You can't live without it which makes it all the more challenging to overcome. But in the process of meeting with these ladies and getting into the Word more, I am slowly learning. I am losing the pounds, eating way more fruits and veggies than I have in the past and learning to eat correctly. It isn't mastered. I make many bad choices, but it's a work in progress.

I am down to 186.4 as of Monday. It's taken me a while to get there. I feel great though and just look forward to shedding even more.

still here...

2009-09-18T01:58:00.001-07:00

Just in case you ever check this I am still trying to lose this weight and change my lifestyle. It definately has not been easy nor has it happened as fast as I would have liked it to. As of today I am down 23.6 pounds since January 1st. I was hoping to be down much further than that by now, but it has been gradual and I am actually ok with that. I think doing it really slow has helped me to actually not gain. I am giving my body time to adjust so I don't feel like I am starving as I lose more. I am thankful that slowly I am learning how to eat healthy and make wise choices. It isn't always easy and I don't always succeed, but I am doing it little by little. My goal is to be at 185 by Oct. 1st. and by November 20th, to be at 170. Those are my # goals, but I am not focussing so much on the number as much as I am to what I am eating and physically doing. The numbers will come eventually. Well, I love you my sister. Keep pushing through. We can accomplish this....

Still going SMH!

2009-07-06T03:44:00.000-07:00

It's weird how one day you feel great and the next you don't. It's weird how when I weigh in and see a loss I all of a sudden losen up a bit and get relaxed and start eating bad for the next couple of days. I am going to try really hard this week to stay focussed even when I see a loss in numbers and hopefully I will see more and a quicker weight loss. At least until I get to PMS! LOL! Those two weeks always seem to stump me, but slowly I am making changes and I hope it becomes a lifestyle and not just a way to lose weight. If I look at it as it's just my goal to get down to 150, then what will happen once I get there? But I am looking at it as a lifestyle change, one that I can maintain. So even though I really want to lose 3 pounds this week, I am not focussing on that. My goal is to workout out atleast 5 days and to eat right! Fruits and veggies instead of garbage. I hope you can join me soon again SMM. I have missed doing this with you and I know you are busy and life has been hectic, butI do encourage you to take care of you. It feels good. It is hard and takes discipline, but we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength! One day at a time...little by little....~SMH

I am doing it!

2009-06-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been consistent again for a month and it is slowly but surely paying off! I went up and down for so long and it is nice to be seeing the scale going down again! I am down to 196.2 as of today and on track to keep losing. I have been working out. I do workout videos in home and do some jogging and walking outside. I am trying hard and pushing through and honestly since I have been exercising my mind feels better than it has in quite a long time. It is refreshing, yet hard doing it the old fashioned way, but that is the only choice I have and I feel that in the process it is teaching me so much and forcing me to learn to make good choices. There are still times when I want to give up and throw in the towel, but it is my goal to be at around 155 by Dec. 1st and if I keep up what I am doing, either way, I will be a success. It feel so good to be taking care of myself finally and trying to lose weight.

blah, blah, blah

2009-05-07T02:21:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile.
No excuses other than laziness.
Nothing has changed.
It has been two months, and not a pound less than what I was 2 months ago.
It sucks.
It is discouraing.
But today is a new day.
I want to lose 50 by December 1st.
That is my new goal.
I CAN do this.
I HAVE to do this.
It sucks, but it is a journey and I am not through with it yet.
So, here's to a new day, a new look, and hopefully a new beginning to seeing the pounds come off.

Something beautiful....

2009-03-03T05:32:00.000-08:00

Time goes so fast, somtimes.~SMH

2009-03-03T05:21:00.000-08:00

So, I weighed in yesterday fearful of what the scale might say and was surprised to see that it didn't go up at all from my last weigh in way back in February. It encouraged me a little and also made me realize that the only way to lose this weight is by eating differently and exercising. If I don't do those 2 things, I will stay the same. Change won't come. But, if I do do things differently over time, things WILL change. I can get discouraged because once again I am further than what I had wanted to be. By this time, March, I had hoped to be down 20 lbs. It's only been 10. So, my goal of losing 50 by June is looking a bit off, but I am still going to try. Because I live overseas, I don't have the benefits of all those weight loss programs out there to do it; I am having to do it completely on my own. So, I am giving myself a little grace and thankful that I am down at least 10 and hopefully the scale will start showing the numbers dropping again. I am trying, but truly taking it a day at a time. It's taken 8 years to put it all on. I am realizing that in order for it to stay off, I need to do it slowly, make it a lifestyle change and I am OK with that at the end of the day as long as I am progressing and trying. I've worked out the last 2 days again and haven't had the nasty cough to deal with so I am hoping to take a shot at it again. I have goals, and I want to reach them. I want to feel what it feels like to be proud of myself and I want to feel what confidence feels like. In time....But it sure goes fast if I am not careful. This last month flew by and I didn't lose a pound. Every day counts, I don't have much time....

Here we go again....~SMH~

2009-02-27T01:46:00.000-08:00

I have battled depression, anxiety for years. I hate the way I feel about myself. I have struggled for so long. I was doing so well, and then I got sick, not only a little cold, but bronchitis, so I couldn't breath when I tried to exercise. This always seems to happen when I start doing good at exercising and eating right. It is so frustrating. It has gone back downhill and I am so frustrated and discouraged by it. It feels hopeless at times. But, I do want to look and feel good. I need to accomplish and fight this battle that I have faced since the beginning of times. I was the "fat" kid in school. Kids on the playground used to run around teasing me. My step mom used to take pictures of me as a child and tell me they were to remind me of how fat I was as a child someday when I am older. Then I went to junior high, started my period, got involved with sports, lost the weight, looked and felt good but always thought I was fat -even on my wedding day when I was between a size 10-12. THEN, I had kids and have gained like crazy since. The battle of getting it off and not having much time or motivation to take care of ME because of having everyone else to take care of has gotten the best of me at times. I have gone through much of my life feeling defeated at every turn, not feeling like I CAN accomplish anything. Feeling like it is out there for everyone else but me. Those are lies. But nonetheless it hurts and I am struggling to get off of that wagon and onto the one again that I was just on of taking it a day at a time, one good decision at a time and moving forward into the goals I have set to lose 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. I don't know how to do it. But I need to do it. I want to do it. "Help me Lord today, to get off of the wagon of self pity and defeat, and gain control once again of the choices I am making and working hard at trying to lose this weight. Help me to get back into the "routine," help me to focus on the goal, help me to be one of the people that actually does it and accomplishes her goals. Help me Lord. I have no strength of my own today to muster up. But, I need to change. Change me Lord, in you name I pray. Amen."

Drawing my strength from the Father.~SMH

2009-02-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

I did it. I actually lost weight this week much to my surprise. It is so crazy how much the scale can fluctuate, just two days ago when I weighed I had gained, but when I got up this morning to do my weekly weigh in the numbers were down. I am excited about that and am even more excited that at the end of this week it will be under 200. My hope and prayer is to never ever see that number again.

Today is a tough day, emotionally. I am having to force myself to draw near to the Father for my strength. My understanding is in his word. I long to be closer to him. I am sad and missing my friends and family so much my heart aches, literally. I love my life here for the most part, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my family and friends. It gets hard not having them near, but it keeps me drawn to Jesus, because he is the only one that I can get my comfort from when I feel so alone. He is with me.

I love doing this journey with my sister. It helps me feel closer. It helps me feel connected to someone. So much around me changes daily and the constant things in my life are the Lord; he is unchanging, and my sister's love and friendship. It is irreplaceable and unchanging as well.

Normally when I am feeling down, sad, or even a bit depressed I run to food. So, I am committing today to not run to food. I will run to Him and when I am done posting, I will go for a walk even though I still have this terrible cough. HE is more than enough to satisfy my hungers, needs and desires. HE is all I have! He is my STRENGTH!!!

Grateful ~ SMM

2009-02-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful... for so many things.
1. I heard the Lord's voice and answered the quiet voice that is always drawing me back to Him.
2. I feel like a lump of clay in the potter's hand, and I am thankful that the process of change is happening in my heart.
3. People that love me... just how I am.
4. There is a path of recovery that many people have taken before me, and successfully... that I dont have to reinvent the wheel, but I do have to do the hard work.
5. That I am exactly where God wants me for today.
6. That my sister re-discovered her spiritual voice, atleast the one that I can hear.
7. That my kids and my husband are healthy and vibrant and a gift to me.

I could keep going but it would amount to listing things like air, water, music.... all of the sudden, my eyes are awakened to the beauty and gifts that surround me. I love it when Jesus puts those kind of glasses on my eyes, a mere glimpse of seeing the way that he sees.

I have an addiction... an addiction to unhealthy relationships: where I seek validation and approval. I have an addiction to food... where I go to comfort my heart, my loneliness, my pain - that comes from seeking everything except God. I have a Habit, that could potentially lead to addiction if I dont treat it seriously... and that is to alcohol. It is a quick and fun escape. The problem is that the more I have, the more I crave, the more I eat and throw caution to the wind, the more and more I disconnect and check out, and the further I get from God. So, for TODAY, I have victory and the Lord is my strength. Healing these addictions, and giving them over to Him, admitting that I truly am powerless over them.... that is the first step to my recovery. It's the choice in the fight or flight reaction that all humans have. Today I have chosen to fight... and only because my father has reminded me that the fight, however tough it is, is worth it... especially when He is in charge.

PMS

2009-02-06T04:23:00.001-08:00

It doesn't help being sick and having PMS AND trying to lose weight. I want to eat everything and my tummy doesn't feel satisfied most of the time! I still haven't been able to work out because of my cough, it's pretty awful. I haven't given up or lost hope, just having one of those weeks that seems to keep going and going the wrong direction. I ate too much this week. I am sure it will show on the scales on Monday. It sucks. I am frustrated. It seems that every time I get focused and start seeing success something gets in the way. There is always a new mountain to climb or giant to face. It isn't easy, this journey to weight loss and healthy living. I am used to eating when I want-what I want. Changing that, isn't the easiest and it has been many years of living that way. I am being patient with myself, but I don't want to get out of my routine. I don't want to throw it all away because I haven't seen the results that I long for right now. I wanted to be down more by this day, but life and lack of discipline has gotten in the way. It's a crazy journey. It's a hard one. But addictions are a battle to overcome, any one of them, mine just happens to be be food, something that you HAVE to have to survive. Finding the balance of having to eat and wanting to eat to fulfill things in me is the tough part. I am praying for His grace to learn and to fight the addiction of running to food. So, here's to PMS and all the cravings and emotions that come with it! I am learning and having to change. I WON'T GIVE UP!!!

A quote...

2009-02-02T02:22:00.000-08:00

I don't remember where I read this, but it has stuck in my head for the last couple of years and although it hasn't helped me in the past, it is helping me now. I think about summer being a few months away, short season coming, tank tops, my arms, my belly and me in a swimsuit. This quote reminds me to stay on track....May it help you too.

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."~Unknown.

A prayer. ~SMH~

2009-02-02T01:59:00.000-08:00

OK. Last week was good, NOT! I was sick with sick kids all week and still fighting it. My chest is so congested, it sucks. I didn't work out once last week, but fortunately, I didn't GAIN any weight and for that I am thankful. I guess being sick will do that to you a little. So, it is a new month. I will be under 200 by the end of this month! I would actually like to work really hard to lose another 10 pounds, that would take me to 193. It would be a miracle to actually be less than that, but I want to keep a doable range that I can maintain. So, yep sis, the comp is on!!! You're right, I tend to like it a little more than you :) . But, I believe you can lose the 10 too. I need to take my measurements. I took them Jan. 1st, I would like to see if those have changed at all.

My obstacles this week are now I am dealing with kids who are sick and need to figure out how to get some workouts in and eat healthy. It's rainy so I don't dare take the kids out with me to the market place, I may have to depend on the hubby a little more this week. But, I am determined to continue losing.

This battle sis, that we are on may entail many "start overs," but the goal is that we learn to live a healthy life in the long run of it all. That we set goals and learn the importance and the significance of accomplishing them. To not be quitters. To gain a self worth that says "accomplishing our goals is worth it." To take pride in our accomplishments and be ok with seeing them through and learn that it feels so good and so worth it to finish things we start and set out to do. The feeling that we gain from accomplishing a task, is worth it. It says, "We did it. We can do it. We are not failures. We are not weak. We are strong. He is good."

So, here's to a new month for the both of us! CHEERS! Here's to a month of not quitting when the going gets rough and the stressors hit at full speed. When the walls of life crumble around us, we will not turn to the comforts of food, but to the comforts that the Lord can provide, to friendship, to exercise, to each other.

"Lord, help us to be successful this month. Not to gain an ego, but to gain the joys of feeling accomplished at something. Burn steadfast in our hearts and in our minds. Help us win the battle that gets us down, knocks us back on our butts time and time again. Help us to put our feet down and firmly say-NO MORE-. We are tired from this rat race, this yo-yo of losing, gaining, and a depleting self image. We are beautifully made in your image and we are more than conquerors because of the work you have done inside of us. Help us to turn to you in our stress, our loneliness, our boredom, anxiety, whatever it is. Let us praise you for all things, for you long to glorify yourself in our weakness and we long to bless you in the process. Help us today. This month. Give us a fight in our spirit that stands against the thing that gets us down time and time again-our weight. Help us to live healthy lives and to mold healthy behaviors for our children. We need your grace. Whisper in our ears when we need reminders, be near to us in our hearts and minds this month. Help us to accomplish the goals set before us. In your name. AMEN"

Starting over - SMM

2009-02-01T17:34:00.001-08:00

So, today is a new beginning. I am starting fresh.
My goals: Limit my portions,
drink atleast 64 oz. water,
Exercise every day for the next 21 days,
We'll see.....
I'd like to lose 10 lbs this month.
So, sis, we are after the same goal! Let's compete... I know you are always up for some competition. (Me, not so much... but I'll do it!)
I've gained every single pound back since I started my weight loss in August.
It only took me 2 months to gain what took me 3 months to take off... and the taking off was much harder than the gaining. I have to get myself on track. For the health of it.

grrr...

2009-01-29T02:05:00.000-08:00

Been sick this week with a sick child, there went my exercise plan for this week to get below the 200 mark. I am super bummed. Looks like it will have to wait until February. The good thing is I am still motivated, just really bummed that I haven't been able to really work out this week. Having a cold, cough and sore throat just doens't do it. Hopefully this will be gone soon. ~SMH

Last week-bummer-this week-better~SMH

2009-01-26T23:47:00.000-08:00

So, I gained last week. Maybe it was because of lack of finances. That's the easy thing to blame it on; Eating a lot of breads because it is cheap and pasta because I can make it stretch. But I was so discouraged to see it on the scale. It totally sucks. Oh, well. I am trying hard to not throw in the towel. It will be worth it to keep moving ahead. Discipline sucks, but feels good at the same time. Something about making good choices feels good when you are so used to making bad ones. Maybe it gives me a little sense of accomplishment or even a sense of control over my very uncontrolled life. I don't know. I always thought that the eating, binging, eating whatever sounded good was my sense of control but I am realizing that just as much or even more, when I do make good choices, force myself to go to sleep with a hungry tummy, there is a huge part of me that feels "in control" or accomplished for that day and it feels good.

It is not easy to say the least. As the hubby and I are not getting a long very well right now, life is unbelievably stressful, there are times when I think "why now?" My way of fixing those things and helping me feel better about it has always been eating. I knew this would come, maybe that is why it is a bit easier this time. I knew the hard times would face me, where I would have every excuse in the book to run to food, chocolate, whatever to ease it all. I knew it would suck to start limiting my calories, I knew I would get sick with a cold or something to get me down. It's all little ways the enemy wants to throw my success in the garbage, to make me continue to feel horrible about myself, to make my self confidence diminish, to stop me from becoming who God has called me to be. That is my motivation to keep moving forward.

So, I had a bad week, but if I stay and dwell there I will be in the same boat I was a month ago and the enemy within me will have won. It will take all that much longer to gain control again, to lose the weight, to feel good about myself. I am tired of feeling shitty. I am tired of feeling like a blob. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like the biggest one in the room. I am tired. The only way I can change that is if I change. I am tired of the roller coaster ride. I am tired of always having an excuse. The fact is, is that most of the time I am just super undisciplined and just don't care. I have to change my mind, the way I think. Because at the end of the day, I am tired of not winning this battle and I want to become a winner. Whether it means losing all the weight or not, but to become healthy, to make good choices, to feel good about myself and have the confidence that I need to do what God wants me to do someday, that is when I become a winner.

To become a champion in any event it takes determination and flat out hard work. How bad do I want it? Today, I am tired. Today, I want it and the success that time will bring IF I choose to work hard. Today, I want to break the cycle that we have grown up with in our family. Today I have some fight in me, and by His grace, today I will make it through.

For today - SMM

2009-01-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

OK... I'm gonna lay it all out. Be brutally honest. It will not be encouraging - so stop reading now if you want. I am pretty pissed. Pretty fed up. Pretty much ready to throw in the towel and accept the fact that maybe I am not a size 10 like I wish I was. Maybe I like to eat food for comfort. Maybe my husband thinks I am full of excuses and the only way he knows to support me is to remind me of my flaws. Maybe this is just the life I was designed to live. I have tried every method of (f)&(*&*(#) diets! I have once again... dropped a bunch of weight, just to gain it all back. I DID want to stick with it.... somehow I lost ALL momentum and ALL desire.... it's gone. Here I sit, in my fat clothes again.
Hard to stomach. Dont quite get it. I know that if my little sister was able to fit in these pants, and she will, she'd be thrilled. She'd feel a sense of accomplishment. I'd be so proud of her. She'd have succeeded in her goals to a point. So what am I sitting here hating myself for? I am in my mid-30's, have had 4 kids, been married for 15 years. What the hell? I have spent the last 20 + years thinking I am fat. Thinking I suck. Being down on myself for failing miserably at this weight battle.
Honestly - I am sick and tired. This is who I am. I am a little heavy. I should be more active. Am I ugly? Well, I have always thought so. But who is that calling a liar? If I claim to be ugly - then I am saying that my kids, my husband, my sister, my nephews, my friends, my parents... you are all liars! Is that true? No. These are the people who love me and support me. Who I have thought were liars for all these years. Am I lying when I say my sister is beautiful? Not on your life. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. What about her weight? Well, only because I know it's a personal battle for her - do I even give it a second thought. I hope and know she will win this battle..... whatever "winning" looks like. Winning is not always about perfection. Sometimes winning is a matter of perspective. It's a shift in our thinking.
So today, in my fury - in my rage - at the time that has been stolen from me - from the selfishness I have focused on all these years... about how fat I am..... maybe today is a winning day for me. You know what, take it or leave it - but today - this is my fat ass, and I am ok with that. Does that mean I should never try to make better choices? Hell no. I need to make better choices, for myself, not for anyone else. I need to make better choices so that I can be who God created me to be. So, this may be only for today.... but for today - I rock! For today - this is just me! For today, maybe throwing in the towel - is also my way of winning. The more I focus on my need to lose weight, the more I seem to fail. What does all this mean? I have no clue. I am just blowing off steam. Do I feel better? Yes. So, that means I win! LOL. For today....

Today. ~SMH

2009-01-19T02:41:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am. Two weeks later and down about 8 lbs. It feels good. I get anxious to get it all off NOW, but trying hard to just take it a day at a time, realizing that in time, it will come off. It is my goal to be under 200 by Feb. 1st. That I think is possible. The last time I ever saw the scale under 200 it said 198 and that was a couple of years ago. I am excited to see it lower than that. More than just the weight loss though, I have been growing and being challenged in the way I think. In the past, I would have a bad day and feel as though that were the end and just give up. My mind set is changing and accepting the fact that I will have bad days and it doesn't ruin the whole thing. Every day is a new day and every day I am faced with the option of making good, healthy choices, or bad ones. As long as I make more good ones than bad ones, I should be ok. I have much more grace with myself this time and it is giving me more freedom. I actually enjoy most of the foods I like, so I am not depriving, but I am just not eating them in "bulk" if you know what I mean. I am paying attention to portions and when I am really hitting that afternoon crave having veggies cut up and ready to munch on has helped me tons. ~SMH

SMM, I am anxious for you to be able to get on and write more. I love hearing you and what you write, it really helps me know you more. I know your computer crashed and may not be easy for you to write, but I will keep up. It is helping me a lot. I love you!

Feeling discouraged~SMH~

2009-01-17T01:32:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up in just a really grumpy bad mood. I have no idea why, yesterday was a good day. I just wanted to start stuffing my face. I haven't yet. Hopefully I can get out of this mood. I had a pretty good week so far. I have worked out 4 times so far. Hopefully today will make 5 if I can get it in. It is crazy how much you realize your dependency on food when you start restricting it. I am so much more dependent on it that I realized and I am thankful that He is showing me that! He is good. I am just discouraged.

Made it thru the weekend - SMM

2009-01-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it thru the weekend. It helped a little, as Aunt Debbie and Vicki came to do a IsaGenix meeting. That was motivating!

I have stayed on track. Learned a few things: one of the biggest obstacles to losing weight is dehydration. The more water we give our bodies, the easier it is to flush it out and helps get the weight off.

I am frusterated with finances as well. For different reasons. I am on this program, which I love and could imagine being on- really for the rest of my life - but I can not afford to purchase it. It's discouraging. So, I may be counting calories soon as well. I just hate the obsession with food that it creates. I find myself thinking about food constantly... what I can and cant eat. I really am a lazy person, dont want to have to think about it. Maybe that is the point.... but once we memorize what a realistic portion is, maybe it will help.

I know I eat more when I am stressed. But I have also realized a habit involved. It's a routine in our marriage. It's not necessarily bad, but it's hard to break. Every night when the kids go to bed, with out fail, my husband and I sit together on the couch and watch tv or a movie. Sometimes we snack, sometimes I have a glass of wine or two, sometimes we do both. I cuddle up next to him and fall asleep before the movie is over. He wakes me up and we go to bed. It may sound redundant, but I must find a lot of pleasure in it, because I can not seem to break that cycle. It is so relaxing to me. Maybe if I had some veggies cut up or something like that to snack on.... just thinking.

My goals for this week are to add in some exercise, and make a healthy grocery list & stick to it.

My weight loss goals, I am not sure of yet. My mind has definately changed some in the last few months. I am what I am - and I am more ok with that than I have ever been. I'd like to be a size 10. I am comfortable there. I dont know what that weight will be. The bigger goal is to maintain it - I am learning that for me, that is the toughest challenge of all. I absolutely despise this yo-yo.

Keep up the good work sis! I am so motivated by your courage, strength, and knowing that you are over there - doing this - the work that it must entail without the modern conveniences we have here. Keep it up & don't worry - the clothes will come one way or another!

A New Week ~SMH~

2009-01-12T05:20:00.001-08:00

Whew, I barely made it through last week, but I did it and the scales show. I probably could have lost a bit more had I not gotten a little of track on Saturday and Sunday, but I decided that on Sundays, I would give myself a little slack (not a lot) but a little. That way I have a little treat to look forward to! That is, until the scale stops dropping. I lost almost 5 lbs.!!! GREAT! I would love to be under 200 lbs. by February. Like 199. That would be an accomplishment! I don't remember the last time the scale was under 200, it was some time ago. I am ready though.

I have been a bit discouraged about losing, for the sole purpose of what the heck am I going to do with all my clothes and buying new ones! When you don't really have a dime extra each month, it is going to make it a challenge. I better figure out a way to start saving now, cause that time IS going to come! I believe it, I am not going to let it be the reason I stop losing, we will figure it out!!!

I have realized so much this week about the importance of keeping track of calories. It has really helped me to see how much I am really eating, how much I overeat, and how much I really only need! I hope to keep on track with that. I don't always have the time, but I want to push myself to keeping on track with it. I exercised 4 days last week, and parked the car much farther than I normally do on my errand trips. I am trying to do things that are small that in the long run add to my calorie burn during the day. ~LIFESTYLE CHANGE~ something I can manage and continue, not being lazy, forcing myself to walk a little further than I sometimes want to.

I did have few rough moments during the week when I just wanted to binge on a sweet. I just wanted to taste the goodness of chocolate, cookies, etc...I did :( I didn't binge, but I tasted, and that was an accomplishment for me. I have to stop beating myself up when I make little mistakes and convince my mind of the good things I have done to change and focus there, rather than on what I did wrong. I do better at beating myself up at times than being an encourager to myself, but I am realizing that when I do encourage myself, I have more self control, more motivation, and more desire to make change. It really helps believe it or not!!! So, this week, I am going to focus more on no cheating...and more on positive thoughts about my accomplishments. I am going to focus more on the 6.6 lbs I want to lose by the end of the month than on the big picture of 50. 6.6 seems much more reasonable :)!!!

Sis, thanks for your encouragement. I am so glad we are doing this together. This journaling helps me so incredibly much. I feel like it is a public place so there is accountability, but I can let my hair and really share my thoughts, feelings, and crap because of the identity thing (for some reason I feel like I can bare all more). Anyways, thanks girl! I love ya and so glad we have something we get to do together even though we are miles apart!

I finally made it here! - SMM

2009-01-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well, after a week of moving and craziness... I am sure my sister is wondering where I am! Well, I am here now! I am so proud of your progress this week. I love the idea of sharing this journey via blogging. It really has helped keep me on track this week. It matters! I dont want to slip or slide, because I know we are motivating each other. I know this is about our own personal journey, but I cant help but encourage you... it's who I am. So here is a little of that, then I'll share my story:
You are such an amazing rock of a woman! I know you have felt the pain of your weight all of your life, it has beat you down at times - but just so you know - you are beautiful to me! Especially as an adult, mother, woman, wife, sister - you have shown yourself as a woman of class and determination. I just love you so much and I wish you could see yourself thru my eyes! I am honored to walk thru this with you and I know we are going to beat this strong-hold in our lives! (Love you!)
As for me, in a nut shell... I have thought I was fat my entire life. Even when I was a size 6, I thought I was fat and ugly. It has been something that has messed with my marriage, my confidence, my energy, my self-talk - my entire life. That is what my goal is - to change that part of me. To realize that this is so much more than the weight of my body. It is in my mind. It is where the enemy traps and holds me. It is about addiction. It is about using a drug to comfort me, to releive stress, to celebrate with. I'm tired of the battle! It's time to have victory!
I started my Isagenix program in August. Lost a bunch of weight. Got off the program, due to vacation, laziness, the addiction, holidays.... gained a bunch back. I started on Monday the 5th and have done pretty well this week. The easier I make it for myself and the less I spend obsessing about food - the better I stay on track. My one downfall, is that I have been drinking alcohol more than normal. I have started unwinding with it, along with my husband, in the evenings. Not a good habit. I did not exercise this week, other than regular life. That is something I am ready to get on track with as well. Our bodies are not getting younger! The 30's are just an introduction to aches and pains of the later years. Time to do something about that!
I am so thankful for this support system between sisters! What a huge accountability to each other! So, the journey begins.... the path to victory... TOGETHER!

ugh...

2009-01-09T01:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this week has been long, hard and tiring. I have been waking up early and getting my exercise videos in eating better and yet the battle in my mind is so strong. I have to constantly fight thoughts of giving up. I want to enjoy food, eat what I want etc. Tracking my calories though has been a huge surprise to me. It really doesn't take a lot to add those calories up in a day. Watching them this week has made it no wonder why I haven't been able to lose weight all these years. I like to pack in the calories! Exercising has been nice, but I hate being sore. I actually like the tight feeling of the muscles everywhere, but the back and the neck, and the soreness I could do without. I have seemed to have a head ache every day and that has been frustrating, but a part of cutting out the sugar and caffeine. I woke up the other morning with a really irritated lower back and pelvic area. I am not sure what is going on. It is so painful. Maybe it is a cyst developing. I have no clue, but the timing is discouraging. I want to be waking up and exercising without pain, but it looks like that is going to have to be another thing I am forced to push through. Why can't it just come off? Why can't I be like one of those skinny girls who can eat anything and still be thin? Why is my metabolism so slow???? ugh.... Because effort=success. I want to feel the feeling you get from being successful. I want to be one of those girls that people are like "how'd you do it?" and be able to say it that I did it through a lifestyle change, that I didn't quit, I didn't give up and in doing so made me a stronger woman! That is why it just can't come off! I am having to work so that my character can be developed, my strength can shine through, and my dependency on Christ can deepen! ~SMH~

Reflections after 1st day.

2009-01-06T01:42:00.000-08:00

I made it through the day. I definately felt it. I felt that I had no sugar in my system or my typical morning cup of coffee. It made for a pretty grumpy afternoon, but I did it. This mountain is so much bigger than me, but aren't all mountains bigger than us? SO, I have to learn to climb. I have to learn to navigate up the hills without falling down. I have to learn where to place my feet, and where to grip my hands when I am at the edge almost ready to fall. But, I will climb and even though it takes a lot of work, effort, energy, and strength, I will eventually reach the top of the mountain. I have to walk it slowly. I have to put one foot in front of the next, day by day, moment by moment. I will overcome. I will reach the top.

First day.

2009-01-05T02:39:00.000-08:00

Today I start. I had a hard time sleeping last night in anticipation. Fear of failing, fear of not eating whatever the heck I feel like it. Fear that I won't be able to conquer these temptations to run to food. Fear that in a year from now I will look back and be the same old me as I have done in the last 8 years. But, When I finally got out of bed, "He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind," can rushing to my mind. Thank you Lord for your word. I walk today, today. I can get through this. I want this. I will not give up. I will not fail.

I worked out this morning for about 25 minutes. Felt good. Started fitday.com, a free site that allows me to keep track of my goals, my calorie intake, etc. So, I am planning. I won't fail if I plan, but if I fail to plan, I will fail. I am trying. Todays goal is to take 10,000 steps. Keep calories at about 1400.

~SMH

2009 Here we come!

2009-01-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

So, our journey to success begins. No more excuses. No more defeats. No more negative self talk. Here we go...Bring it on. We are ready! I want to say I think I am ready, but then that again plays at my negative self talk giving me a window out in case it gets rough. It will get rough. Overcoming weight issues is not easy, but I am willing to fight. Willing to fight to get healthy, to live a life not feeling insecure at every breathing moment because of the bulge and lack of confidence I have at times.

My sister and I are miles and miles apart. She is my best friend, my amazing sister, a wonderful auntie, and the list could go on. Her and I have always struggled with our weight. We like to eat especially when we are emotional. It brings comforts, ease into the stressful moments, a bit of joy when discouraged. It is not right, it is sin. We go to the comfort of food rather than our eternal source, the king of kings. He is what longs for our attention, our dependency on Him when life brings the storms and stresses.

So, my sister and I are on this journey together. This is a way for us to help each other out (we are so similar). A way to post our goals, weekly weigh ins, our struggles, when we want to run to food, we will run to Him first, to each other, and to this site to journal those feelings and often funny craving we can get... So I am starting this!

Let's do it!

SMH-

WEIGHT: 211

GOAL: To lose 50 pounds by my 30th birthday in June!
and another 10-15 lbs by my 10 year anniversary!

2009 is going to be a good year. I am determined to get it off, to feel good about myself, have energy for my family, and live a long healthy life. I am going to change my lifestyle...not just lose the weight or diet. I would like to call it a lifestyle change journey rather than that dreaded word, "diet.' So, SMM I am waiting to hear yours...

Let's do it! WE CAN!!! I am so excited to do this journey with you.